It’s the moment we all dread. You’ve gotten that like on Hinge (because you mean business) and spent the past two or three days exchanging witty banter, maybe even a “goodnight.” Admit it, you probably debated the margin of error on a man’s self-reported heights with your friends.Â
You want so so badly for this to work, to feel that spark, to see the person you’ve begun to care for mirrored perfectly from three typing bubbles to a living, breathing, loving person. But, across the table from you at Pavement Coffeehouse (where you desperately hope that you won’t be interrupted by anyone you know) is a stranger who will never become anything more.Â
Over the past few months, I’ve left countless dates, saying to myself, “Well, I don’t need to see him ever again in my life.” But the guilt lingers. Is my ego through the roof, or am I callously breaking hearts? How do I deliver the news?
Unfortunately, I’m mostly too nice to ghost.
I spoke to my friend Isa, who has lots of opinions after being dumped by a wannabe ginger monk. It’s a long story. She’s been diving deep into the world of internet philosophy to console herself. Together, we reached a conclusion.Â
Isa says there’s always (hopefully) going to be something you enjoyed about them. Most of the time, it’s just a question of compatibility. And when you know, you know; you can’t control that inner filter. It’s not really up to us. It’s more about the fit and the moment than it is a criticism of their character as a whole, so don’t get bogged down in personal details.
Be gentle. Appreciate what you’ve given each other and acknowledge the point when your paths must split. Still, don’t overly sweeten the message to avoid giving false hope.Â
“Have a good life!” Isa recommends. I prefer, “I wish you the best.” I think that better captures the melancholy love I feel in this situation.Â
Isa believes the greatest act of kindness you can do for someone else is to respect their time and intentions. When you let someone linger, you give them time to create other scenarios in their head that justify your avoidance, and all it does is extend the pain.Â
We all deserve dignity in these emotional, sometimes even heartbreaking moments. The most important thing is to consider that your message is composed with the acknowledgement that your words may dictate the other person’s attitude toward trying again.Â
Try giving them a little push. Maybe it’s in the form of a compliment, maybe it’s all in the tone. It’s unlikely that the aforementioned Pavement coffee date was their absolute one last try, but I don’t want to make someone give up forever.
These moments and conversations can be extremely awkward, but they can be necessary if the match doesn’t feel right — and a risk one has to expect when they decide to get out there. Each connection I’ve made and each time I’ve chosen to move in a different direction has aided my exploration of what I am looking for in my relationships.
I wish you the best!
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