When I was in high school, I had a friend who was brutally honest to everyone, all the time. She never hesitated to call out problematic behavior, whether it was just an annoying comment someone made or a societally detrimental political take.
I didn’t agree with everything she said, but I admired how blunt she was in expressing her beliefs and grievances. We were on the high school newspaper staff together, and for her senior column, she wrote about how she used to be, in her words, a “grade-A pushover,” and essentially, she trained her brain to advocate for herself.
It made me think about how much time and energy I dedicate to worrying about everyone around me — whether they’re happy, whether they like me, whether I’m annoying them — instead of choosing to behave in ways that are beneficial to me.
But therein lies the question: At what point do my boundaries infringe on others’ personal freedoms?
This leads to two conundrums. Firstly, how can I be more effective in communicating my needs and boundaries to others? And secondly, how can I confront my own inadequacies in an equally effective, but still self-loving way?
While my high school friend may have overcome her pushover-ness, I am still a work in progress. I find myself biting my tongue to avoid disagreements or lying through my teeth to assent to popular belief.
This has led to two main issues: one, I’m not being fully honest with the people around me (and they can sense it), which leads to superficial and unstable relationships. Two, I’m sacrificing my identity…for a superficial and unstable relationship.
I pause to offer solutions, because truth be told, I don’t have them. I’m still not the best at confrontation. I still hold my opinions back when I don’t think they’ll be well-received.
But I can offer you some fundamental truths that I lean on when I’m having trouble.
Firstly, if you and someone are having a disagreement that you believe violates your fundamental beliefs, you’re not a bad or unlikable person for voicing your disagreement. You’re just different from them, and that’s fine. Second, if you feel that you cannot voice your disagreement with them, they are not for you. You do not have to force them to like you or force yourself to tolerate them. It’s perfectly acceptable to walk away.
Lastly, there’s no need to self-soothe by telling yourself, “How could they act like that? They are wrong, and I am right.” The digital spheres that only ever tell you what you want to hear exist to confirm your biases. These internet echo chambers make you feel like there’s only one right opinion, and it just so happens to be your opinion.
That’s not true.
I have a lot of trouble remembering that. People have opinions, and while some things are outright wrong, most things have nuance and grey areas.
In summary, there’s nothing wrong with confronting others when you disagree with their opinions or behaviors. But remember that how you feel about them is your opinion, just as how they could feel about you is theirs.
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that what somebody thinks of me when I address an issue we’re having doesn’t say anything about my intrinsic goodness; it’s what they think, nothing more. And when others potentially confront me, I must also confront myself. I could be wrong and still be a good person.
It’s all about nuance, people.
Want to keep up with HCBU? Make sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Instagram, check out our Pinterest board, watch us on TikTok, and read our latest Tweets!