Boston University Alternative Facts

When I take a look at Boston University, I see there are many facts that need a little amending — statements that deserve some “alternative facts." Sure, you may believe those commonly held thoughts about BU, but why do you think those are really true? Because of stone-cold evidence that proves your belief? I’m here to say your evidence is wrong, and that my alternative facts are completely and totally correct. Thanks to Tulane University for inspiring me to write this piece, and to my roommates for encouraging me to FINALLY share the truth.

 

1) Mugar is beautiful, and not at all prison-like. The Mugar Library is like a warm hug. Don’t listen to ANYONE who claims that they have had mental breakdowns here, or have legitimately felt life slipping away looking at the very UPLIFTING gray walls, trapped within the endless wooden cubicles. These people are all LYING. Mugar is the best place for the happiest, most effective study sessions. I have NEVER seen a student fall asleep there, as everyone is too entertained by their various textbooks. 

 

2) Everyone loves walking from East to West. No one has ever complained about having to make the walk from West to East in 10 minutes. In fact, I challenge them to make it in five minutes, as I believe this walk to be incredibly short — too short. Why would I hate the walk when buses crossing Commonwealth Ave almost hit me or I have to trudge through sludgy snow to get to a meeting in West? There are only a few of the numerous advantages of forcing yourself to race across campus for an 8 am.

 

3) Bay State Late Night is where you should go for a quick snack.  Looking for your typical on-the-go munchies as you head to your lecture? Look no further than Bay State Late Night, a place that is designed utterly for your quickest convenience as you rush to class. Mac and cheese, quesadillas, or a burger in a fast hour-and-a-half? Sign me up. Anyone who says their stomach has gone numb from hunger while waiting for their food is clearly misinterpreting the facts.

 

4) City Co’s products are fresh and unexpired.  City Co is the ONLY place in Boston where you should be getting your fresh produce. Never have I EVER heard of anyone potentially buying milk, drinking it, and realizing it had expired early. There has also NEVER been a City Co fruit purchase ruined by mold. The rumors are false — I go to City Co for all my vital nutritional needs.

 

5) Warren Towers is actually a five-star hotel.  StuVi what? Never heard of it. Warren Towers is legitimately a resort in the middle of a college campus — what more could you ask for? SHA actually runs it. Everyone in Warren Hotel loves the amenities provided, from the gold-encrusted showers in the beautifully maintained communal bathrooms to the quiet, effective washing machines that never leak. Warren Hotel actually offers guests a complimentary mysterious carpet stain in their room! It really serves to add to the ambience of the hotel.

 

I hope these alternative facts that I have provided you all with today serve to give you a clearer picture of Boston University. The truth may be there out there, but it’s false. And why? Because I said so.