How to Feel Closer to Your Friends

I’ve been watching Sex and the City like it’s my full time job. I’m addicted. The intoxicating New York night-life, the glamorous high-fashion, and the riveting romances; these women have everything my pubescent — and current — self ever dreamed of.

But beyond their glamorous lifestyles, there is something about these four women that absolutely captivates me, that makes me want to be them: their friendship. Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte, despite being drastically different people with striking differences in values and desires, share an indomitable bond that no argument or difference in opinion can break.

Can I say the same about me and my friends?

I know I’ve only been at college for two years and that I’ve known the people I call my best friends at Brown for even less time, but I can’t help but think something is holding me back from truly knowing my friends inside and out.

Will the friendships I have now last a lifetime? Will we stay close when we graduate and move to different cities? Do they really know me? Do I really know them? What do I see in these televised friendships that I can’t see in my own?

The women on S.A.T.C. are not afraid of intimacy. They speak and act with unwavering authenticity and are met with empathy and support in return. They feel comfortable enough with each other to share the most private parts of themselves without hesitation. They are so unfathomably honest with each other -– to the point where I often find their words rude.

But that’s their secret, isn’t it?

They don’t care about being polite or socially appropriate. Screw the pleasantries. They know they’re not perfect and they don’t bother to pretend they are. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped myself from having a meaningful, and perhaps difficult, conversation because I don’t want to ‘trauma dump’ on my friends. Our modern day expectations to constantly be “fine” and emotionally accommodating have been taken to the extreme. We should not be tiptoeing around our friends’ hardships. It’s stopping us from making genuine connections. You can only talk about pop-culture and who’s dating who for so long. At a certain point friendship demands something more. Friendship demands openness, mutual trust, and understanding. A deep sense of intimacy that comes from confiding in your friends and telling them things you wouldn’t dare to tell other people. We can only break the surface level of friendship by getting to know the deepest parts of each other. 

I know the friendships in Sex and the City are fictional, that they aren’t the model of a perfect friendship, and that the women that play these characters are nothing more than colleagues in real life(they do not even get along well enough to call themselves friends). But, it feels real. It’s real to be the ugliest version of yourself in front of your friends. It’s real to say something harshly judgemental and have to make up for it later. It’s real to have to work at your friendship.

Friendship is a choice you make everyday, it’s not some magic spell that befalls you. You get to choose your friends and choose how important you are to each other. There’s a reason we call friends “chosen family”. Friendship is the only type of love we are not genetically obliged to, yet we seek it out anyway. We seek companionship. We seek to share our love in laughter, in tears, in secret whispers and discreet smiles. 

Life kinda blows when you go through it alone. Friends make it better. I am so thankful to have met the wonderful people I call my friends. I cherish every meal spent together, every walk across campus, every stupid joke we share. They make me feel happy and loved. I want it to last forever. 

So, make a pact with me to build friendships that will last a lifetime: 

I promise to make time for my friends. That I will always have energy for them. That I’ll never be too busy to check in and catch up. That I’ll be there with them to celebrate and to mourn.

I promise to make an effort to truly get to know them. That I won’t shy away from deep and personal conversations. That our differences won’t scare me off.

I promise to support them with honesty and encouragement. That I will always offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. That I will not enable destructive behavior and speak with their best interest in mind.

I promise to be the most genuine version of myself in front of my friends. I trust that vulnerability and authenticity will make us feel closer than ever before.

I promise to forgive and to never give up on my friends. I know that friendship takes time and work, but that a true friend is worth more than a thousand lovers and all the Manolo shoes you could buy.

• college
• friends
• Sex and the City