This is not from a trained, educated or professional perspective. For professional help, click here to access support from Women’s Aid.
The most dangerous misinformation on abusive relationships is that you can be the ‘sort of person they just don’t happen to’. This is victim-blaming in its most simple yet acceptable form. It’s an attractive self-comforter. I am intelligent, supported, self-respecting and ambitious; the abusive relationship is not my storyline. Abusers can be kind and supportive and still be your self-worth and mental health’s worst enemy. Often abusers will be in some denial of what they’re doing too; these situations are no place for over-simplification, beyond the fact that you can leave them.
Bethany Barrett, editor-in-chief here at Bristol’s Her Campus Chapter, recently attended an event run by Bristol SU’s Women’s Network and Women’s Aid, highlighting the importance of their #loverespect campaign, which asserts: ‘We believe love shouldn’t feel bad, and that everyone has a right to be safe and happy’. This, of course, is the bare minimum. As the Women’s Aid website states ‘If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t’. The #loverespect campaign has clear information on spotting the signs. It is important that this is integrated into education, as once one is in these situations, it is often a lot harder to accept information.
It is also paramount to note that your relationship can still be abusive even if it doesn’t say it is on these websites. Your intuition (which may have been manipulated) and your gut feeling (which you may now be out of touch with) is your quiet armour. Often we hear stories of women being guilt-tripped out of seeing their friends, battered and continually insulted and degraded. It is often so much more subtle than this. Especially with my demographic in mind, the university-educated girl will more likely than not, not stand for someone telling her what to wear and not to go out…we know this old cliché. Yes, everyone is vulnerable, but this information is obvious and insulting, and often will not happen in the convenient ‘early signs’ time-frames we are sold. The tragedy of ‘gaslighting’ becoming a mainstream term means what is perilous has become a normalised household phrase. The feeling of someone making you question your own reality is all-consuming abuse. No- one has the authority to take someone else’s life into their hands like that. There is, therefore, a delicate balance thus between education and understanding. And what we need is more information, especially from survivors and the perpetrators themselves.
It is important to know that if you are or have been victim to this, it is not a testament to any part of your character. It is, unfortunately, only ever about them, and only ever a testament to the potent universality of manipulation. It is more important still, that when people come to you with their stories, you do not let the fear we all have of this one day being us, or indeed the arrogance to think it can’t be, cloud your judgement and contort this miseducation into pity or disbelief. We don’t like to think about the ugliness of the world because as people, we have to thrive off optimism to survive – but do not let this become toxic to those who are counting on you for support, or indeed your future self.
Local Research Project- the YARAH Study
As mentioned, there is a need for more information and understanding about intimate partner violence from survivors and perpetrators to help shape education and interventions. If you would like to talk about your experiences to help research, please contact Maria Barnes at maria.barnes@bristol.ac.uk or on 07971754258. Maria is asking people between 18-25 in Bristol and the surrounding area to talk to her about their experiences of all types of partner abuse as part of the YARAH Study: Young Adults Relationships and Health. Participation would mean a completely confidential interview (or two) in a place to suit you for around an hour. There is a £15 shopping voucher as a thank you for each interview. If required, participants/students can be put in contact with the University Counselling Services.