Remember those secondary school nights when you could just drink and enjoy yourself without worrying how you were going to feel the next morning? Where did those days go?! Now it’s hangover hell, waking up with glitter smeared down your cheek like Ke$ha, peeling yourself away from the sweaty pile of friends you fell asleep in, shielding your eyes from the retina-destroying daylight when you open the blinds, and then lying down again because you’re hungover and hungover people don’t stand up.
There are many ways to deal with a hangover, which I’ve learnt over the three years of my Arts degree, but when you’re lying in bed with things to do, and you can’t face anything that involves moving, there’s an obvious, easy answer. Food.
So here are my rules for navigating the tricky world of hangover eating.
1) No takeaways. I know that you probably just want to lie in bed and wallow, resisting the need to move until the moment the doorbell rings, but don’t do it. You’ll just get a grim fuzzy feeling in your mouth that tastes exactly as you’d expect vodka mixed with insomnia to taste. Even if you’ve brushed your teeth. The only thing that deliciously greasy ‘feel-good’ food will give you is half an hour of distraction while you gorge yourself (briefly hushing your moaning head) until two hours later, when you get the curry sweats.
2) No sugary foods. I worked in a café in third year and would often go in hanging, only to face these amazing baked goods everywhere! Tiny Oreo cupcakes, jammy sugary doughnuts, Portugese custard tarts; it was like eating out of Mary Berry’s dream diary. But the truth was, even though they smelt and tasted amazing, I’d just feel grim afterwards. It was really heavy and sticky and would make me bloat to the size of Ms Trunchbull. Grim.
3) No fry ups. We’re all guilty of it. Just the smell is enough to set off a bacon craving! But really, after a hangover your body just wants minerals, vitamins and love. Eating loads of fried, oily things is the exact opposite. Don’t go to ‘Spoons and get a Full English. Your body will hate you.
4) Drink orange juice. I crave it every single time I wake up hungover, and when I get all those vitamins I start feeling like a million dollars. Trust me, chug down fresh juice and start flushing out all the toxins from the night before.
5) Eat watermelon. It’s super healthy, super hydrating and also happens to look great. If you don’t wanna eat fruit with a hangover, just pretend to be a 1950s retro gal with a red bandana and flawless lipstick, eating some juicy melon in a vintage Cadillac. You’ll feel amazing, you’ll look amazing.
6) Drink smoothies. My flatmate and I developed ‘wonder’ smoothies last year and they tasted so amazing. For the perfect hangover smoothie:
Blend together some banana, a handful of blueberries, milk, 100g oats, peanut butter, vanilla yoghurt, and ice cubes. If you’re feeling naughty, you can add honey or ground cinnamon! For something more fruity, blend frozen raspberries, strawberries, cherries and honey and with fresh juice. Delicious!
7) Hair of the dog. Okay, so it’s raw eggs with tomato juice, spices and beer, which might not be everyone’s thing, but I’ve tried it and it works for three reasons. 1) Tomato juice is delicious, 2) Tabasco and Worcester sauce are spicy (which is great for sweating out booze), and 3) since it’s got lager in it, it’ll delay your hangover. It won’t cure it, but if you need a quick fix, then it’s perfect. If you can stomach drinking raw egg, that is…