There’s no denying that the winter months can be difficult for everyone, especially those who are single or are experiencing loneliness. It can be hard to feel content when you are surrounded by romantic Christmas romcoms, new year’s kisses and the dreaded… Valentine’s day (and that’s without the input of that SOB seasonal effective disorder). However, being single comes with so many opportunities for discovering, exploration and connection that can still be extremely fulfilling, even when the sun sets at 4pm!
Rest vs Rot
Later in this article I will be suggesting some more proactive tips on nurturing happiness; however, I’d like to begin by saying that allowing yourself to feel sad is also ok. Most people are hardwired to need some level of human connection or companionship, so allowing yourself to feel the absence of that is perfectly valid. Rest during this time is also vital; people in relationships face their own challenges but also have the privilege of sharing their emotional and domestic workload. I like to remember that many animals hibernate all winter long so if you want to get in bed and watch the Gossip Girl thanksgiving episode again then you have an evolutionary excuse. However, it’s important not to allow this pendulum to swing into the state of “rotting” as being socially cut off or unproductive for too long can often result in an even greater depletion of energy and mood. Try to include some exercise and consideration of nutrition into your routine in whatever way works for you and care for yourself the way you would for a romantic partner or family member.
Setting goals
It is important to recognise that society is built to favour those in relationships by primarily recognising familial and romantic achievements, rather than those we accomplish alone. Therefore, if you are feeling a lack of fulfillment as a single pringle, I would recommend setting intentional, achievable goals to inspire yourself and regain self confidence in your own aptitude. These goals should vary in time scale and ambition and should also be bespoke depending on your unique skills and other lifestyle factors (e.g. age, health, finances, location). Be careful not to undersell yourself and be ambitious alongside a more simplistic daily To Do list, that will help you maintain momentum. Finally, I would also recommend basing these goals outside of romantic relationships or traditional, heterosexual landmarks such as marriage or having children. Instead focus on all the amazing things you can achieve to transform your space of isolation into one of self-fulfillment.
DAte Yourself… (no really)
Something people desire most when single is romantic affection and attention, especially when the media is constantly putting relationships on such a high pedestal. However, I believe the best source of this validation is, you guessed it, from yourself. Your life should not be on hold until you meet a partner, and self enrichment is a pretty effective antidote to loneliness. Buy yourself gifts every now and again, the same way you might for a romantic partner: fresh flowers and lingerie are not exclusive to the “wifed up” community! Alternatively you could invest in a new sex toy as sexual desire is another thing that women especially suppress outside of relationships. Pleasure is something that everyone should be able to experience, not to mention its associated mental health benefits which can also help to combat seasonal blues. Or if that isn’t your style try taking yourself on a “date”. I know the mere suggestion of this probably doubles your cortisol levels but hear me out. Doing a solo trip to a coffee shop, the cinema or a restaurant is a declaration of your self worth as you are setting aside time and money for only your enjoyment. Alone time in general can also be a great way to get to know yourself and connect to your current thoughts and feelings which are often all too easily ignored in our fast paced world. Self discovery can involve finding out your personality type, journaling or therapy (if you have the means) all of which will not only strengthen your sense of self understanding but could also make your future friendships and relationships more successful.
Friends with benefits (not that kind)
Following on from this, spending time with friends and being proactive about making plans is vital for mental wellbeing and a thriving social life as a single person. Alongside the aforementioned solo dates, you could try new activities with your friends or host dinner parties and movie evenings. It’s a well known cliche that many people become less available when they start dating someone, so all the more reason to nurture and cherish your friendships when your schedule is more free. Even if in the future you do happen to meet someone, your friends are ultimately the people who are going to support you through whatever romantic turmoil you come across. The chances are their friendship will be around a lot longer than many of the people you date! Extend your platonic love towards them and maybe even explore your preferences amongst the “5 love languages” so you can deepen and strengthen your connection even further. Phrases such as love or soulmates are often immediately associated with romantic relationships but I truly believe that finding a tribe of people around which you can be your authentic self is just as vital and fulfilling.
Third spaces
Finally, there’s been a lot of discussion about third spaces in the last few years and their beneficial impact on general mental health and lifestyle; however, I feel they are especially vital for those who are single or struggling with loneliness. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this term, a third space refers to somewhere you frequently go that is not your home or workplace. Often they are integrated with a community aspect and encompass a vast array of things, for example exercise classes, creative workshops, religious gatherings or even just your local coffee shop. If you have found yourself feeling alone, finding a regular third space to attend will help to break the cycle of monotony in your life. Hopefully it will also encourage the development of new friendships and hobbies. Not only will this fill your time, it will also fill our human desire for connection and interaction without having to rely on a romantic partner or go on endless, awkward dates.
In summary, no one is denying that it’s difficult being single in our world that praises monogamous relationships in most aspects of culture. However, the most long lasting form of happiness will come from true contentness with your own life and won’t be sourced from the validation of a romantic partner. There are so many amazing aspects of life that can be harnessed without needing a relationship. Paradoxically, exploring these will also ultimately make you a more well rounded and satisfied person which in turn should make dating significantly easier. Whilst being alone can feel isolating, especially in the colder months, I encourage you to see your free time and flexibility as a privilege and an opportunity to curate the lifestyle you deserve, rather than putting your life on hold for “the one”.