I used to be completely against the idea of “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. This phrase was one I believed was constructed in the pursuit of pushing a positive narrative out of a negative situation. It felt, in short, dismissive of the agonizing heartbreak that is the aftermath of losing someone you love – whether that’s physically or emotionally. It was not until I lost someone very important to me that I began to understand and contemplate how it could still be positive to love someone even if it ends in loss.
I did not necessarily love this person but they were in my life for two years. We spoke constantly for half of that time and I shared aspects of myself with them that I felt was helping build a strong bond. Though they did not measure up in regards to how much they shared of themselves, I was blinded by this newfound friendship and believed that what I felt for them was mutual. It was euphoric to have finally found someone who cared, listened, and enjoyed parts of my personality I once thought embarrassing.
Their interest in me, however, was short-lived; at least in comparison to what I imagined the time our friendship would span over. The change was noticeable. They spoke to me less and less and, when they did, they didn’t show much interest in knowing how I was. Considering much of my experience up until then, I stressed with the fear of losing them. Questions raged within me and when I finally had the courage to demand the truth, it was only an hour or two in which it took for me to cut off all ties.
Despite the strong attatchment that had cultivated through late nights watching shows and honest discussions about life, I knew that we both were deserving of having a true friend and a one-way relationship would not suffice. It still took me months, however, to recover emotionally. I was never mad at their loss of interest in me, though. What hurt was that they weren’t upfront with the fact they no longer cared about me.
But in reflecting upon this heartbreak and the quote mentioned, I realized that it was better that I loved and lost. Because even though it was one of the worst pains I have felt, I learned from it.
The most important lesson was realizing what I deserve and what I value in a friend. This is applicable to any type of relationship however, because mutual respect, honesty, and love are important in any connection you have with someone. I don’t regret the time I spent with my friend either. It may have ended bitterly and I do regret sharing so much, but that doesn’t change the fact they made me smile, feel good about myself, and grow as a person. They helped me work towards self-acceptance and constructing a clearer, more definitive definition of love.
True love is unconditional; it does not occur as a result of receiving something but, instead, is given. I love my mother because I admire her for her intelligence, determination, and resilience. I love my father because of his passion, confidence, and persistence. My parents immigrated to this country with dreams far exceeding the means they had upon arrival and for that reason I love them – because they are strong, because they are smart, and because they do not give up. True love, to me, is to realize the good in someone and aiming to give that person happiness without the desire of personal gain. Though I have not lost someone I truly loved, I know that experiencing half of it has left me a better person. Heartbreak will be an unimaginable hurt I am due to experience but through loving someone, I will become a better version of who I am now.
That is why I am starting to think it is better to love and have lost than to live without love because I fear we’d be lost as to what it means to live.