Depression. Anxiety. Sadness in general. You’re allowed to feel or experience these things. You do not owe anyone any form of explanation or reasoning as to what’s going on. No one should make you feel any lesser for feeling this way as well. In this article, buckle down and get ready for some heavy topics.
Fair warning: this article talks about sensitive topics such as suicide and self harm– but believe me these battles were indeed overcame.
I come from a happy family. I have a mom who’s crazy and supportive, grandparents that were willing to step in and play the father figure in my life. I’m truly lucky, and spoiled to a point. But, when losing a friend to suicide my freshman year in high school, everything seemed to snap. I had felt the beginnings of depression but it wasn’t until that actual moment that I really felt anything– or nothing at all anymore per say. I remember crying for days and nights on end. I didn’t know where to turn and what to do because these emotions were so powerful, terrifying and new. To even feel anything at all, I began to self harm at 15 years old. I then asked to be sent to a therapist rather than opening up to my family like they wanted me to. However, counseling didn’t help much because by law a family member needed to be in with me. I couldn’t open up. I didn’t want to explain why I needed to go see someone for help in fear of it hurting my family. So from being so fed up…I stopped going. This resulted in everything building up. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did. I had been given so much in life. My family also was confused as to why I was even still thinking about it. Being told that I haven’t had it hard to where I should be feeling this way. Then at 16 years old, I had snapped again and attempted to take my own life. Attempt being the key word in that sentence. My thought process made me feel so guilty to even want to feel that way. Internally yelling at myself and saying “You’re your mother’s only child– how selfish could you be?” I felt even worse. I was spiraling and knew it. I had cried myself to sleep that night wondering what to do. Being put on medication and watching the dosages increase as the years went by. When I would try to finally open up about everything, I remember being told that people have it worse than me, which made me feel as if I were some kind of crazy person. Fast forward to five years later and in a completely different place and mindset, and I still will never understand why my family thought it was a logical response to me finally trying to open up to them.
During the span of high school and college there had been a total of 4 attempts of taking my own life. The only reason I’m able to talk about this without feeling uncomfortable is because I have been happily clean from any form of harm for almost a year and a half now. It’s not much of course, but it’s progress. And where does everyone else tie in? Where can anyone relate? I have been through group therapy and even played therapist at the wrong times (don’t let people take advantage of you by doing that however– you’re not getting paid to do that) and to be honest my story is not special. The amount of people who feel as if they don’t deserve to be feeling the way they do absolutely hurts me. You are allowed to have feelings and emotions regardless of how your life has been lived. Do not for one second let ANYONE tell you, family member or friend, that you don’t deserve to be upset. When finally addressing my family about how I felt as if I don’t deserve to be depressed because of the life they gave me…well believe me they weren’t happy. They were offended most likely, but they also were very silent. That’s how people are, and you never know what’s truly going on in their heads. But people aren’t allowed to tell you that your problems are small in comparison to other people’s issues. You aren’t weak for feeling these things. You’re allowed to get help. You are not any lesser of a person if you relapse. But most importantly, you’re not alone. I know it seems as if you are at times– that “I feel alone in a crowded room” type of emotion can be deadly. But you are deserving of happiness as well as deserve the ability to feel things powerfully.. You deserve a happy ending, and it is absolutely never too late to pick up your pieces and fix yourself. Healing is not linear of course, but it’s also not impossible. And if no one else does, I myself believe in you.