I’m a creature of habit. When I put my mind to something I typically stick with it. I become fixated on a feeling. People in my life I’m close with might say I think too much or spend too much of my time writing and analyzing situations. Some days I am very busy and overthink and others I relax and reflect. As I’m writing this, it’s a weird day. I’ve been productive and thinking constantly but also relaxing. Spent time relaxing while reading the book “The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter and how to make the most of them now.” Written by Meg Jay.
I spent years focusing on myself and only myself. It may sound selfish but it was strictly business discovering myself. Growth and healing don’t just happen overnight, it is a practice and forever journey. Sometimes I get lost and distracted in life. I get worried about the future and what could happen. What is life with what if’s though? It makes things seem much farther away, dark, and negative. That’s why I have been holding on to my independence because it makes me feel safe. I cling to my writing, thoughts, and observations. When other people want to give, love, and help me I feel less like myself and that I have less meaning. Why is it so hard for me to let other people in and trust? I know who I am. I know what I want.
I tune into what matters most to me. People. I want to help. I want to be there for you. I want to go on adventures and just have fun. Music. I want to listen to and discover new hits. Food. I want to enjoy the flavors, texture, and presentation. Fitness. I want to move my body to feel good. My mind. I want to let go of that voice that comes back to me every now and then about my body image and unhealthy thinking patterns. But, what do I need? I need to relax my mind. More reading. Creating. Painting. Living in the moment. I got more film for my polaroid and seeing the little moments close up gives my life more meaning. Not every day or week is the same. I’ve learned my mind is creative. It processes life and situations slowly and deeply. I evaluate moments with complexity and then sit back and look at outcomes. I can write and put life into words any way I want but action is where I will see the most change. It’s looking at the times when I am happy. Most of the time it’s after a writing realization, with sweet people in my life, or doing a project and helping others.
Am I ready to open my mind to learn more and challenge myself? Yes. Results happen and change day by day. It’s being grounded within myself where I can forgive, accept, and move on to better things. Planning sometimes can take over my life. I can rest in knowing that things will fall into place. I’ll be fine. Just like Ross once said in the show “Friends“…”I’m FiNe.” I liked how all the characters were making their way through their lives but they kept using comedy and connecting with each other to relate and give advice. It allowed them to embrace themselves and the challenges in everyday life. It’s the quarter-life crisis.
Lately, I’ve been listening to the song “Cognitive Dissonance” by Sophie Holohan. Cognitive dissonance is discomfort. It’s having different beliefs and feeling torn because of attitudes and perceptions. A few of the lyrics are “Was it real or a dream”, and “Life’s heavy, but it’s gravity.” What this song means to me is trusting the unknown and realities in life. Remembering everyone is struggling their way through life but going to figure it out and make their way through. There might be restless nights and slow mornings, but it’s creating space to do what gives you energy. The days when the sun is out and there is a blend of productivity and joy in doing things with friends, and yourself.
Time with myself is the most productive in terms of my self-growth. Being with other people is also beneficial for conversations, getting out of my comfort zone, and connection. In words of the Fleetwood Mac’s song, “Go Your Own Way” you can choose whatever path you want and just go with what you decide. Stick up for yourself when you feel passionate about something. Living life for myself but accepting the fact that friendships and relationships are important too and appreciating them but also prioritizing my feelings and health.
Deep thinking is not a bad thing. It’s the overthinking that alters the mindset and goals you have for yourself, and the people in your life. It is a good thing to be aware and have an understanding of myself. It’s no longer next year. It’s right now. The decade is now. The change is already happening in this moment.