“Everything is okay!” “The future awaits!” “You have the rest of your life ahead of you!” “There are so many possibilities!” “Why are you still so angry?”
Because I am, and that pisses me off!
Today, after a grueling ballet class, or should I say, humiliation ritual (I’ve never danced before), I was filled with a sharp feeling in my chest as I walked out of the building. I don’t get this feeling often, as I generally am a pretty temperate person. However, this feeling quickly made its way up my throat and settled into my eyebrows (which are really dark and thick, so this isn’t necessarily the best place for that feeling to reside), but with no energy to interrogate it further, I traipsed to my car across campus to drive home in silence.
My plan to go to the gym and hit legs was out of the question. It made me angrier in there–too many sweaty men–plus it was a refreshing 70 degrees outside, and I couldn’t stand to be inside. So instead of driving home, I put my things in the front seat, locked my car, and made my way back through campus for a “mental health walk.” This will be good for me, I thought. Oh, how I was wrong.
Here is a list of things that made me angry while on my walk:
- Everybody was holding hands. I mean every. single. couple.
- That made me miss my long-distance boyfriend and made me angry that I couldn’t be with him.
- The line for Starbucks was a million people long, per usual.
- I was then angry at myself for wanting to support a greedy, union-busting corporation, so I got out of line.
- The ridiculousness of capitalism and the abhorrent price of a pink lemonade made me angrier.
- Outside, I couldn’t stop sneezing, and was angry that I had seasonal allergies.
- On my way back to my car, I looked around the place that had been my home for the past four years, and I was angry that I was graduating in three weeks and leaving it.
I think that last one is what I can boil all this anger down to. However, the myriad of maddening circumstances seems to be increasingly exacerbating themselves with each passing day, worsening my disposition.
You name it: war, genocide, Tr*mp, censorship and propaganda, ICE, the rising cost of living, AI, nuclear threats, etc. If it’s in the news, I’m stressed about it! It’s all affecting me! Mentally and physically! As it should be! Most everyone’s response to me when I express distress and grief about these things is that I have to “not pay attention to it” or “control the controllables.” And while I am grateful for their attempt to appeal to rationalism while consoling me, I am tired of being told not to feel this way because there’s nothing I can do about it. And I don’t know what my desired alternative response would be from people listening to me express myself. I literally have no other suggestion. So maybe sharing it verbally is counterproductive if my indignance refuses to listen to whoever is opposite of me. Maybe writing this is my catharsis, as there’s nobody on the other side of this keyboard telling me I can’t type this out.
They say your 20s are the best years of your life. And for some, that’s true. I think a lot of people handle chaos and change in their routine better than I do, making this uncertain time exciting and fulfilling rather than stressful and agonizing. But I’ve never been good at handling life transitions. Each time something changes, whether for good or bad, my body thinks it’s her last day on Earth. (Is that some evolutionary trait? I can’t seem to find the benefit there.) And while I know the anticipation of the event is always worse than the actual event, it’s hard for me to look forward to something fondly rather than with resentment when I know it will catapult me into an unknown environment and state of being. I know every graduating class since the start of time is graduating into “one of the worst job markets ever” and always dealing with tumultuous global relations, but we really do have the worst job market for entry-level jobs in 37 years, and the global political temperature is scalding.
Adding to the list of things making me angry right now:
- The new Gemini integration with Google Docs pop-up keeps activating as I am trying to write this, interrupting my flow
Continuing. I seem to have lost a lot of my self-confidence over the years. The worst part is, I didn’t realize it until recently. Having someone you love tell you your spark has faded does a number on a person. And while I still feel sparkly some days, I know it’s true, and I am hoping this new chapter of my life will renew that part of me. I look at the little girl I was in pictures and know in reality that she is still me, and I am still her, but I will never be her again. It’s just one thing after another these days, and my nostalgic heart is wilting under all of the pressure. Crying is virtually impossible–thanks to my Sertraline (she saved my life, so I am not that mad at her), but I crave a release that seems to elude me constantly.
I want time to slow down. I want it to speed up. I want to move home. I want to move to NYC. I want to stay within five minutes of all my friends forever. I want to be with my family. I want to be with my boyfriend. I want to adopt a cat. I want to be successful. I want to be secure. I want to be happy. What will make me happy? My life is no longer confined to the rigidity of an academic calendar anymore. The age-old question persists: how am I supposed to do this?
While I know there will be joy in my life, and everything will work out just the way it is supposed to, I am angry at the impossibility of feeling all of these things at once. Bittersweetness and I are mortal enemies. I want to throw up at the thought of this chapter closing and a new one beginning, but I know I need to just throw up instead of fighting it, and I’ll feel better afterward (that’s something they teach you here at college).
And while I am eternally grateful for everything I have in this life, I think I should be allowed to be angry and not necessarily solve it, while still being cognizant of my privilege and opportunity. I don’t like being angry; I’d much rather be happy. I know this emotion will pass, that what I am feeling is temporary, and doesn’t define me. Balancing it all is tricky, and will be for the rest of my life. But I guess the only way to “fix” it is to keep trying to make sense of it all in the best way that I can, no matter how complex or simple reality ends up being.
Oh, and maybe I’ll give my therapist a call too.
LOL (lots of love),
G