Recently, I was talking to some of my friends and asked my only non-single friend “Do you think your life has changed a lot since you’ve gotten into a relationship? Do you view things differently now in terms of men?” Her answer really did not shock me, but it did get me thinking about how much I think about men on a daily basis. She shared how much easier her life is now that she knows she has a man and does not have to think about finding one. Before, she would overanalyze every interaction she had with a guy, see every guy she met as someone she might date, and was consumed with what they thought about her when she actually met one. Frequently, I see things on Instagram or TikTok about how women should not dress, act, or do anything for me. This seems a lot easier said than done when you do want to be in a relationship. There are also so many sayings and opinions on how “it comes along when you stop looking” or “you find the right person when you learn to love yourself first.” While I think there is some truth in these things, I do not necessarily agree this is what we should be telling women who are looking for a partner. Here is how I think we can combat this, while not letting men consume our every thought. Â
You do not have to pretend like you aren’t interested in any man! You are allowed to be interested in men and want to pursue a relationship. Showing interest in guys will make it clear that you care and do want something more from them. I think that the phrase “when you stop looking, you find them” is crap and let’s be honest, we’ve all heard it before. There is nothing wrong with putting effort into yourself, just make sure you are doing it because you want to, not because you think he will like the low-cut, pink top. The perfect match is not going to magically show up when you swear off dating. Allow yourself to enjoy the process of being interested in someone and do not think you have to be the cool, mysterious, doesn’t want a man, girl. You are allowed to want something, and you should always be yourself through the dating process!Â
Go for what you want but do so with intention! Most of us would be lying if we said we hadn’t gone somewhere with the sole intention of finding a man for the night. While this can be fun, you should remember your intentions as well. I know that I do not want a man who is flirting with 15 other girls and stringing them all along, so I need to make sure I am not doing the same thing to guys. When you have intention behind what you want and who’re you’re going for, things will get easier. If you see a hottie, you should go for it! Just remember what you want and what you’re looking for. You should always go for what you want but do so with intention and care! Â
Remember how valuable you and your time are! You are a busy woman! Sabrina Carpenter said it best- if they do not want your love, you do not need them! In college, you’re maintaining friendships, class, club commitments, maybe work and a lot else! You do not want to waste the precious time you have only thinking about how you can get a guy to want you. YOU also have so much value. You are not asking too much when you ask for a man to text you back, spend time with you, take you on dates, and treat you with respect. Knowing what you bring to the table and expecting a man to do the same is not wrong or “too much.” Know how valuable you are, value your time, and expect a man to do the same!Â
You can love yourself and love someone else! You also do not have the be the perfect image of a self-loving woman in order to find someone. Being hard on yourself and convincing yourself that you’re single just because you aren’t “perfect” yet is not good to do to yourself. Also, NO ONE is perfect. You can be working on yourself and be pursuing someone. You should always choose to love yourself and another person cannot determine your own love for yourself. However, do not think that just because you are not 100% in love or happy with yourself, you do not deserve love. Learning to love someone else, along with yourself can be a really beautiful journey!Â
It is really hard to date in college! Do not let anyone tell you differently. You’re surrounded by happy (or not so happy) couples, many talking stages, and even some people getting engaged. You are not ahead or behind anyone. Just because you are single does not mean you cannot be happy and enjoy the college experience. Remember that you are allowed to desire a relationship, should be intentional, focus on your value and the value of your time, and you’re allowed to love and be loved by yourself and others simultaneously! Your life is not defined by whether or not you’re in a relationship. Focus on being okay with yourself, where you’re at in the present, and trusting that things will work out when they are supposed to. Â
Lots of Love, Â
Katie Â