This month, I have chosen to cover a topic that holds more personal significance to me. In full transparency, I wasn’t sure if this was too controversial to write about or if I’d be pushing the envelope too far by doing so. However, this is something that I feel should be brought to light, as I hope this article might inspire someone like me.
All my life, I have always been known as “the nice girl.” The girl who puts everyone else’s needs before her own. The girl who pours out respect unconditionally and only wants to receive that same respect in return. The girl who people will crap on because they think she’ll put up with it and she’s too nice to say anything back. The girl whom people are secretly threatened by, so they do anything they can to try and bring her down to their level. While I always strive to be a kind and empathetic person whom those around me feel they can turn to for support and encouragement, I have noticed over the years that this kindness can sometimes be viewed by others as an Achilles heel instead of as something to appreciate. Unfortunately, some people see the compassion of others as an advantage instead of a blessing in their lives, and they will use your kindness to their benefit rather than reciprocating that same energy. Being a people pleaser at heart, it can be so difficult to know how to react and the extent to set boundaries when you feel disrespected or taken advantage of. In a society that is very self-centered and full of emotionally unintelligent/immature individuals, it is not uncommon for people to constantly take what they can from relationships without giving anything in return. Unfortunately, when you are always the one making an effort to keep things afloat, this can feel very exhausting after a while, leaving you drained of your social energy. In situations like this, do you confront or do you stay silent? Do you stand your ground assertively or more gently? It seems like no matter what, there are always disadvantages to each way you might respond.
Many times, when attempting to accurately decipher one’s lack of effort, empathy, or overall decency, it might seem like there is never a good way to win. If you put up with unpleasant behavior, you are viewed as a doormat who lets others walk all over you, but if you stick up for yourself, you’re gossiped about and called a b**ch. Sometimes it’s frustrating when you think you’ve made so much progress with being more assertive, calling people out when necessary, and accepting that you don’t have to be okay with everything just to feel like you’re back at square one again. You might question how far you’ve come in that area, only to revert back to how you used to respond to uncomfortable situations. Feeling the need to uphold your title as the “nice girl”, you unintentionally feed into others’ expectations of being catered to and having their needs accommodated. To put it bluntly, people expect you to put up with their bulls**t because of your smiley, happy, bubbly personality and your willingness to help and care for others.
Over the years, I have developed thicker skin after multiple instances with friends, roommates, teammates, coaches, mean girls, co-workers, bosses, and boys. Being viewed as “nice” or “smiley” or confident in yourself makes you an easy target for people to take their anger and insecurities out on. While it does get easier to protect your peace and let go of what no longer serves you, that doesn’t mean it hurts any less, especially when you are naturally a caring, empathetic person who has a hard time being more assertive. Some days the frustrations of being a punching bag stack up, and these feelings get the best of you. You may beat yourself up for letting that sensitive little girl inside you come out for a bit, walking right through that thick skin you’ve worked so hard to grow. But you can’t always help it; it’s just who you are. You have a big heart, big emotions, and you love loudly. You’re also a human with feelings, duh! You may wonder what you did to never be anybody’s favorite or first choice, especially as someone who always tries to be nice to people and put others first. It can all feel very unfair, but it is important to keep in mind how much character growth you are experiencing as a result. It can be so difficult when those around you don’t seem to care, leaving you to question your impact on people. But please always consider the lack of credibility of the source. My own experiences in this realm have shown me what kind of person I don’t want to be, and I believe it is integral to reflect upon the kind of people you want in your life, how far you have come, and how you want to treat others moving forward.