you need confidence
Coming into college, I thought I knew myself. I thought I had my life figured out, that I had a set career path. I thought the friends I made on the swim team within the first month of school were going to be my friends for life. Well, little did I know I was going to switch my major three times, and my minor four times. I was going back and forth from Communications and Management to now back at square one as a Marketing major with a minor in IDCC (Information Design and Corporate Communication), which is just a fancy name that covers most advertising and media-related careers.
I love the swim team, but I was too introverted to question if I should seek other opportunities and too extroverted to stay comfortable in a small circle. I love the structure it gives me, the people on the team, and the lessons I learn from it. It molded me into a team player outside of the sport, which is why I knew I needed to be confident in my decision to branch out of the circle so I can keep swimming. There are many long weeks of back-to-back training, and without a hobby and outside friends to balance it all with, my academics is a recipe for athlete burnout.
Once I took this decision, I ran with it. I did not realize that making friends was more complicated than I thought. At the end of the day, you need to believe in yourself before anything else. Confidence gives you the ability to step out of your shell and take that leap of faith and face the unknown. It’s so easy to keep a comfortable routine, and it’s not so easy to step out of your comfort zone to try new activities and meet unfamiliar faces. To connect with others, you need to be vulnerable. For many like myself, opening up to new opportunities is not easy because we fear rejection from our peers. So how can we trust others in order to be ourselves? It’s a risk I was willing to take to grow and find out exactly what I want for myself personally and for my career.
Instead of staying in my room, I started small by going to the library or The Bubble (an area for students to do work or have meetings) in the Student Center to do homework by myself. That way, I was surrounded by others and would see faces that eventually became familiar to me and I would eventually build the courage to greet them. Or, I would try to make small conversations before and after class with students sitting around me. These small gestures are critical because they helped me network and learn what Bentley University has to offer. Through others, I learned about Bentley Marketing Association that I am a part of to this day and I love so much that my hard work led me on the executive board. All conversations start with a little bit of courage, leading to long-lasting friendships and many other opportunities for you.
do not force it
We need to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability instead of fearing it, because that is how we form deep connections with others. The truth is, not everyone will like you, and it’s hard to know that and still give your all with genuine intentions. If others don’t like that, we need to be confident in ourselves to recognize that that’s on them. They may disagree with your values, how you hold yourself, or how you part your hair, and that is okay. The positive side of this is that although only a few people stick, those people are your long-term friends. They match your energy and push you to be better — and sometimes know you more than you know yourself. It’s human nature to want to feel included and accepted by others, but having a “people-pleasing” attitude is where people get stuck in the wrong social circle if the connection isn’t there. Do not settle for less because you deserve friends that give you the effort as much as you put in.
And the same situation happens in reverse all the time too. Suppose you find yourself in a case where you do not feel safe or comfortable enough to open up to others. Take that as a sign that those are not your people. If you cannot be yourself, you should not force yourself to be someone you are not. If people leave you, let them. Have the confidence to accept that sometimes relationships do not work, and recognize the value that you can give to others. In retrospect, you should be proud of yourself because you were able to trust them, and although it was unfortunate that it did not work out, you dare to trust yourself to be authentic for future encounters.
Authenticity is important because no two people will ever be the same, and you bring value to that by speaking your mind and sharing unique experiences that others can learn from. Showing yourself is supporting yourself with where you came from, and the only person that can back you up is you. Having this independence while making relationships is crucial because you trust yourself enough to not let others change you or make you depend on them for security. People come and go all the time. At the end of the day, if we are in a brief period where we feel lost or had a nasty falling-out with a friend, our independence will help us gain the courage to move on and be okay without the situation ruining our respect for ourselves or limiting our space to grow from it.
Get involved IN what you love
You only get four years; these four years are to find yourself. Reflecting on where I came from, Bentley University made me realize a lot of my decisions resulted from the influences around me when I was growing up with family and friends. Coming from a small rural town in New Jersey, where every block had a farm with some cows and chicken, I was not exposed to anything else besides the close-knit circle of people I was raised with, and with that, we all lived in our little bubble and shared similar views and perspectives. It was a common assumption that the “theatre and art geeks” were weird, and the “band and orchestra” kids were nerdy, and each sports team carried a distinct personality. Since I was seven years old leading up to high school, I went to music lessons every week practicing the piano, acoustic guitar, and vocals. I would spend hours shooting skits with my friends, cutting clips together on iMovie on my father’s work desktop, and calling them “movies” that I presented to my family. I was the ultimate definition of a theatre kid, playing the flute and violin in band and orchestra. I wrote my own songs and recorded myself only to face the “unspoken truth” when I got to high school that I had to stop my passions or else I would not be “cool enough” to have friends. I regret not sticking with my musical passion in high school and wish I was not naive to understand that my passions make up who I am. They fuel me to stay driven.
Although it may not be music lessons anymore, I still play these instruments in my free time. Now that I am on campus, I am exposed to so many different people with backgrounds not always as similar as mine, realizing that it does NOT matter what you like and don’t like. Here, people accept you for who you are, and you find your people through what you love. Bentley has so many clubs and extracurriculars that align with a diverse interest in skills and hobbies. I naturally gravitated towards Her Campus so that I could ironically check back in with that seven-year-old girl and write freely whenever I want in my passing time. Through Her Campus, I have bonded with girls who also love to write and think creatively, who are also interested in Marketing, Communications, and Media-related industries; and I am proud to consider these girls my family.
I’m trying to say that if you know several people who want to rush a sorority or wish to join an intramural sport, do not follow in their footsteps because you think it’s what you believe will make you accepted by society. It doesn’t matter if you are or aren’t accepted by society; it only matters if you accept yourself in a society. Sure, you can make friends in those clubs, but it’s not often you will find people similar to you who you get along with quickly. You join it because you want to and because you are passionate about it. After all, it is a hobby you genuinely either want to pick up and learn or something you want to continue with. People can sniff out others who are disingenuous to the organization, so it’s essential to stick to your truth again. Then naturally, true friends will come with your involvement.
Conclusion
So, in summary, here are three steps you can take away from this article that will help you “find your place” at Bentley:
- Stick to your truth (with confidence and independence)
- Do what you love
- Give it time (and patience!) — The rest will eventually come and naturally fall into place