The other day, I found myself slowly falling into the doom scrolling trap that is Instagram reels. Typically, nothing good ever comes from a doom scrolling session. Occasionally, I’ll stumble upon a recipe I want to try or a cute day-in-my-life video, but nothing life changing. But, on this particular day, I came across a video that really was a bit life changing. It was Andre de Shields’ acceptance speech for the Tony Award that he received in 2019. It was in this speech that he said, “Surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when they see you coming”.
As someone who is often uncertain in my relationships, both friendships and romantic, this piece of advice truly made me stop and think. Navigating relationships is difficult, particularly in college. I often find myself thinking about the depth of the my relationships, wondering if people like me as much as I like them or if my relationships with people are simply transactional in nature. Because of this, I either end up trying to be overly communicative or simply shut down to prove something.
As humans, we crave personal and impactful relationships- ones in which both people give equal effort because of their appreciation for the other; ones in which each tries to make the other better; one that is always there to catch you when you fall. At times, I’ve felt like I’ve had these types of relationships- that is until something happened that proved me wrong. For that reason, I tend to hyperanalyze situations in fear of being proved wrong again. I’m constantly asking myself “What did that conversation mean?” or “Did I do something wrong?” and “Do they even like me?” I could ask myself these questions forever, but it wouldn’t make me feel any more assured or comfortable.
But when I heard Shield’s piece of advice, I never felt more assured. Two very important people in my life came to mind instantly. Although my relationships with them could not be more different, I saw both of their faces in my head as Shield’s spoke. I saw their eyes as I open the door to my bedroom or the car door. This immediate connection made me realize that overanalyzing every interaction is not how you identify a valuable relationship. It’s actually much more simple. Think of those relationships in which you are continuously greeted with eagerness and curiosity. Not just in the good times, but in the tough ones as well- that person that will always be eager to speak with you and curious about how you are. You can not only feel it, you can see it.
So, stop asking yourself those ridiculous hyperanalytical questions. Just notice their eyes the next time you see them. When you see it, you’ll know. Put your energy into those relationships, because those are the ones in which you know you have a true friend.