I know claiming that anxiety changed my life is very dramatic. It is one of those things that most of us have and also most of us hate. And don’t give me wrong, I’ve hated it all my life — until recently.
I have struggled with anxiety for at least three years now. There are countless nights where I can’t sleep and I have countless thoughts I can’t stop. I always say to my friends and family that it’s not the anxiety itself that drives me crazy, it’s the frustration that comes from it. For instance, a few weeks ago, I was returning from a trip outside of Texas. I remember waking up at two in the morning and rushing to the airport. I had a class at 11:00 in the morning that I couldn’t miss, so as soon as I arrived home I rushed to the class. I came home extremely tired, but I couldn’t even sleep because of the huge loads of homework I had due that day. To top it all off, I had work until 10:00 that night. As you can imagine, after my shift ended I was tremendously excited to go to bed, considering I was falling asleep everywhere throughout the day. I showered, had dinner, organized my room and finally touched my pillow. And guess what? I couldn’t even sleep because my anxiety crept in. I remember crying out of frustration, thinking, “How is it possible that I have been sleepy all day and the second I touch my bed I cannot sleep? What am I doing wrong?” I remember even feeling claustrophobic and sweaty, as if I was trapped inside a small elevator in an old building.
I noticed that I started to become a very pessimistic person because of my anxiety and lack of sleep. I always saw the bad things that happened to me throughout the day and failed to appreciate the simple, good things. When I noticed this pattern, I knew it had to be stopped. I started to journal to be more appreciative, and to focus more on my mental health. I came to a self-realization a few weeks after I started this healthy routine, just like in a coming-of-age movie. I realized how life is so simple yet we make it so complicated. How feeling sad one day is okay. How skipping one class will not make me fail. How calling my mom to see how she is is utterly gratifying. How a few breaths will not stop the anxiety, but they will make you more self-aware of the moment. I guess that what I am trying to say it’s that everyone has their personal struggles, but if we focus all of our time and attention on them, they will eventually consume us. However, if we acknowledge what we feel and try to see beyond our struggles, life will be a more pleasurable journey.
Ultimately, I want you all to leave with one thing: don’t be afraid to feel the weight of the world. It is beautiful when you think of it. Without weight, there is no depth. Without the dark, there is no light. That is what makes us complex. That is what makes us human. Everything we are and everything we have are puzzle pieces that will find each other along the way. So yes, anxiety changed my life for the better.