Being a 19 year old sophomore in college means I’ve witnessed a lot of breakups and makeups in my high school and college career so far. Some people would say since I’ve never experienced first-hand what being in a relationship is like, that I have no room to advise on other’s relationships. On the contrary, I’d actually argue the opposite. With how much television, movies, and pop culture content I consume daily and have since I was in elementary school, I’d say I’ve seen more than my fair share of relationships to shove my two-sense in. Now I may be biased here, but single people are some of the best people to get advice from. They’re not entrapped in anybody’s love spell and can take off your rose-colored glasses if need be. The truth is, I’ve been exposed to the internet for a long time, and I’ve grown to know the signs of toxic people and toxic relationships even if I’ve never been in a romantic one.
I asked some of my friends to send me questions they had about relationships, so here they are:
“Why is there a stigma for needing a significant other or that you have to be in a relationship on Valentine’s Day?”
Actually, you can blame Shakespeare for this one. Yes, I did my research! Valentine’s Day didn’t start with romance, it actually is thought to have started because a Roman Emperor executed two men, both named Valentine, on February 14th in the 3rd century A.D. Then years later, Shakespeare comes along and romanticizes Valentine’s Day in his work. Ever since then, it’s been associated as a day of love. All jokes and the random history lesson aside, social media is a big reason there’s a stigma around Valentine’s Day in the first place. People post EVERYTHING. It doesn’t even have to be people you know or on the same platform. Celebrities and influencers are literally paid to post on their social media accounts, and romantic content gets buzz. People are obsessed with relationships: people having falling outs with friends, people breaking up, people in a flirtmance, it’s addicting.
Anyway, my point is that I blame the toxicity of social media for this one. It’s completely okay to not have a significant other on Valentine’s day. In fact, it’s even okay if you don’t have a gal pal to celebrate Galentine’s Day. At the end of the day, the 14th of February is just that, a day. It happens to be associated widely with love and chocolate, but you don’t need a significant other to experience love. Love comes in so many forms and can be shared with so many people, so spend it telling your family you love them or buying your friends some candy. Don’t let the internet or “friends” shame you into thinking you need a lover to spend this day with. Couples already spend the rest of the year loving each other anyway, so the only difference with this day for them is that it’s labeled on the calendar.
“When do you know it’s the right time to date after a break up?”
Straight up, the only person that can answer this question is you. You know yourself better than anyone. Trust that you’ll know when your heart is mended enough to move on. Usually, from signs I’ve seen in people post-rebound or post-breakup, they’re content with where they’re at in life right now. You have hobbies you enjoy, people you hang out with on the regular, or you’re just content on your own.
I imagine that it’s similar to the feeling of when you find the right college for you, or the right wedding dress, where you can just look at something and be like, “That’s the one.”
“Should you learn to love yourself before someone else can love you or can you grow together?”
You can grow together for sure, but for that to happen, two things need to be present in the relationship: mutual support, and common goals. I feel like mental health is the big thing that came to my mind when I saw this question so that’s kind of what I’m going to roll with. Mentally, if one (or both) of you are struggling, you have to both want help for each other and yourselves. If you’re not going to help yourself, don’t just expect your significant other to do that for you. Significant others are there to support you and lift you up, not carry you on their back.
It’s not fair to completely depend on your significant other to make you happy. If you know you’re struggling mentally, and the only time you feel happy is with your significant other, it might be time to evaluate if you need to step back and advocate for yourself. This can mean going to therapy, a doctor, a counselor, really any professional that can help you get the resources you need to feel mentally content without being codependent.
On that note, loving yourself is always important. It can be really damaging in a relationship (friendship OR romantic) to be around people who participate in negative self-talk all the time. You don’t have to fully embrace every imperfection and flaw from the beginning of a relationship, but if you’re only going to complain and not even attempt to make changes, again, maybe you should step back.
“When is it the right time to break it off with someone?”
Here’s the thing, so many people who think about breaking it off with someone hesitate to do so because they think it’s “too late.” Meaning they think they’ve devoted so much time and energy to this person so to dump them now would be a waste. Babe, the reality is that a.) It’s never a waste of time, it’s a lesson learned, and b.) If you’re going to look at it that way, you’re wasting time either way. Staying with someone because you’re comfortable is way. too. common. It’s not fair for you to continue dating someone and become slowly numb and unfulfilled over time, and it’s not fair to the other person who you are essentially leading on. So the answer to your question is now. There is literally no better time than now. The sooner you break it off, the sooner you can mend your heart and move on to someone who fulfills you. I’m telling you now, if you’re afraid to break it off with someone because you’re afraid to be alone, I get it, but you’re better off alone than with a crappy significant other or in a crappy relationship.
I would also like to note that I’m not unaware of the fact that starting over is the most terrifying concept on the planet. Change is dreadful, hardly anybody fully embraces change from the get-go, but this is why it helps to have friends who push for the best for you and support you. Your relationship has run its course and I promise you that if you end it, yes, you’ll have to start completely over, but you have the potential to be so much happier. As Alex Russo’s mom once said, “You’re one heartbreak closer to happily ever after.”
On top of all of this, you just need to be watching out for yourself. Before you get in a relationship, or at the beginning of one, it’s a great idea to sit down with yourself and talk through your boundaries. When is something “too far”? What’s a total red flag for you? What are your deal breakers? This is why people say to love yourself and know yourself before you get into a relationship. The more you know yourself without that person, the more love you can commit to them, and the more self-aware you can be in your relationship.