Being misunderstood is too often cast as being cool and mysterious or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, frustrating and uncomfortable. Recently, I’ve discovered the relief that comes with accepting the simple fact that sometimes people will not understand a choice I make… and it’s no big deal. This sounds simple enough, but it used to be hard for me.
To make a long story short, one time a former fling sent me a text asking if I would call him later. Our previous conversation was months prior, short, and stupidly dramatic. I knew that I would call, even though I didn’t want to. He had this way of talking while simultaneously being oblivious to my feelings on the other side of the line.
When I got his text, I happened to be with my friend Morgan who graciously allowed me to rant about how frustrating it felt that he stressed me out whenever we kept in touch, but that I also didn’t feel like I had a fair enough reason to cut things off completely. She listened and then casually replied, “He doesn’t need to get it.”
At first, I didn’t like this response. She must not understand the situation. I care about his feelings. I need him to understand my decisions and that they come from a genuine place. If I decided to speak to him less often, it would only be because I’m looking out for my own well being and not because he’s some sort of monster.
But I chose not to defend myself to Morgan. As per usual, she was right.
I knew what I was doing then and I know what I’m doing now. You know what you’re doing. We might not always understand where each other is coming from, but we also don’t need to get approval from anybody. I realize looking back, seeking understanding from him was exactly that: seeking his approval. We’re allowed to feel how we feel and then do what is best for our own damn selves. You have the choice to approve of your own decisions, to accept that they are right for you, and go to bed proud of the person you choose to be every day. In fact, learning self compassion can benefit you in ways that another person’s nod of approval may not.
Dr. Emma Seppalla, the Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, knows loads of facts that can back up just how beneficial it is to learn and practice self compassion. She explains in a lovely infographic on her website the three steps to being self compassionate: self kindness (which includes understanding yourself!), common humanity, and mindfulness. Positive results include increased productivity and decreased stress… a college student’s dream come true! Her studies even debunk the popular assumption that we need to be critical of ourselves: “Scientific data shows that self-criticism makes us weaker in the face of failure, more emotional, and less likely to assimilate lessons from our failures.”
Keep Dr. Seppalla’s research and my experience learning to accept approval, even if it’s only my own, in mind the next time you find yourself stuck at a crossroads or stressed out. That night I spent at Morgan’s I decided not to call that guy, to lay low and only pursue relationships to the extent that I’m comfortable with. Spoiler alert: Everything turned out fine.