All people in manipulative relationships have different stories, but the underlying abuse is all the same. This is my story.
The manipulation started right away but the emotional abuse was much less apparent. It started out as a normal few hangouts with a new guy. We all know what it is like. I did not notice at first how he would constantly start begging me to come over at different times of the day, mostly when I was busy and had other things I needed to be doing. After a few weeks he began to make me feel bad if I did not drop what I was doing and come over. After a month of hanging out I was under the impression that we were “exclusive,” meaning I was the only girl he was talking to or hanging out with. This seemed to make sense to me because I was over at his place every day and night. I kept my things there half the time. My roommate called it my new room. I was very mistaken. I was horrified when I questioned what his intentions were and he replied
— “That’s not my thing, I don’t do feelings, we are not together,”—
You can put together how that went down. A few weeks went by and I tried to move forward, but it was strange; every single new guy I tried to talk to seemed to have some weird reaction to me. I figured out what was happening when one commented
— “Sorry, I just don’t want to get involved with that drama.”—
I replied with
—“What drama? We have barely even talked,” and he promptly told me—“You’re still in love with your ex, *blank*, he told me.”
I understood now. I quickly went and confronted him. He stated to me that I was “his” until he decided otherwise, and other guys would listen to him about that, he would make sure of it. I felt helpless. The months ahead brought more terror and abuse, but I became helpless to it. He would rope me back in by being nice for weeks. Things would get better, we would get closer, open up about more and more. Then they would go to shit with fights that would wake up the roommates, and breakdowns that would terrorize the parties that we tried to attend together. We were a tornado of drama and the whole world knew it, but no one knew what was actually happening on the inside. No one else got the 3am phone calls when he needed me there for his “mental health” but really, he just did not want to be alone. No one saw the begging, the pulling of arms at parties, the tugging of shirts when people got to close. Everyone saw him kissing other girls though, and everyone saw him sleeping with them too. Every time I would try to leave, he would sabotage another potential relationship, friendship, etc. He could not bear that he could not get everything he wanted.
There are so many breaking points where I should have left but I never did. Nights where he slammed doors in my face, nights where my friends had to break into his house because he did not let me leave his room even when I wanted to go home, a formal where I was supposed to have a hotel room with him and when I came he would not answer my calls and made me sleep in a stranger’s room, etc. The last breaking point was when his friend tried to make a move on me and he did not believe me but instead blamed me, as usual, and called me the worst person in the world. I could no longer handle it. I was not the worst person, he was; I gave him the world and received nothing in return.
So why did I not walk away? Did I love him? Those are questions I commonly get when I tell our story to people. I did care for him in the beginning, we had a lot of the same mental trauma and we really did help each other through those things, but it became toxic. That’s the thing about manipulative relationships, you really don’t even know you are in one into you are out of it. I thought my anxiety and depression were normal, I thought the panic attacks were normal, I thought the mental breakdowns and not going to class was normal. It was not, but I don’t blame myself for not seeing it sooner, and neither should you.
Now, looking back, I realize how much emotional abuse I have endured. I have tried talking to new men, and every time they ask me to open up, I find that I either call my own emotions “stupid” or “not a big deal.” When I was told by new people that my emotions were not stupid, I was confused. I realized I was confused because my emotions had not been validated for so long, that I got used to pushing them aside and thinking I was being “dramatic” in all situations.
It’s not easy to leave toxic relationships. The manipulation is scary, and I was terrified I would fall apart without him. I was terrified to come back to school in fear he would come after me, but blocking him on literally everything and trying my best to stay as far from him as possible really has changed my life. It is possible to get out of the manipulative grasp, and it is possible to move forward from it, but you and your friends and family all have to help. Everyone has to help you move forward, and everyone has to see that you stick to it. Once you do so, your life does become better.