As humans, we tend to think that sex is something we’re supposed to get better at over time. Those who haven’t had sex yet are behind the rest of us who have, and the ones who have had lots of sex must know their way around the bedsheets. But that’s just the thing; sex isn’t linear! Our knowledge of what we’re doing and how confident we feel doing it is supposed to only get better, but in the real world it doesn’t work like that.
We often think of our sexual experiences as something to learn from and improve upon each time, but with so many factors to consider, it’s ludicrous to expect to be a completely developed sexual being after your first time, or even a first time with a new partner. I tell all my friends this when they’re thinking about trying new things: the first time will never be the best time. Which is not to say that it won’t be good; rather, it gets better over time, and you won’t know whether that should be attributed to you or your partner or simply how you’ve gotten to be with each other.
Along those lines, it is completely normal to feel like there are some things you do better than others. I, as a college-aged girl who has been with my partner for quite some time, still feel as if I’m AWFUL at certain things. Though I wholeheartedly trust and feel secure around the person I’m with, I still undermine my confidence about doing certain things and feel as though I’ll never be this experienced sexual being I was supposed to be at this point. And that has even more to do with what we expect from ourselves in relationships!
Real people don’t develop amazing communication skills the minute they start dating someone. So if your girlfriends have been telling you that the key to better sex is communicating your likes and limits with your partner, they’re right. But you can’t expect yourself to be super comfortable or even very articulate when you’re opening up about sex for the first time. Or the second or the third time.
Sex, and everything that comes with it, is a process. It consists of learning about yourself, but also loving yourself at every stage of that journey. On the days when you think you’ve finally done it and the days you feel you never will. With that large group of outspoken girlfriends and alone in your room with your thoughts. If you’re patient with yourself, you will improve at sex, but another facet of that journey is understanding that you can stop whenever you want to.
At any point you can decide there is something you’re uncomfortable with or aren’t really interested in trying. You’re not required to do everything in order to be good at something, and who’s to say you aren’t good in the first place? I sometimes wish I could know what I was like in bed to wave off that feeling that I’m not all that great, but I remind myself that the experience is whatever I make of it. And not just with my body, but with how I think about and assign meaning to it.
Sex can mean as much as you want it to, but don’t try to measure your self worth against someone else’s standard of sexual prowess. You’re a person to whom sex only constitutes one part of your life, and at the end of the day, I promise, you’re really not that bad in bed. ;)