When the old clichè “two steps forward, one step back” feels more like half a step forward, five steps back, it’s time to re-evaluate. If the present is so unsatisfactory that you’re either basking in the memories of the good times you’ve had with your partner in the past, constantly daydreaming about the start of your relationship, or living in a fantasy future you’re imagining based on the potential you once saw in your partner and your relationship–it may be time to face the facts.
It can be difficult to accept change. Especially when your relationship becomes one-sided. You can’t save it by yourself. You deserve more than repeatedly begging your partner to put in effort. You deserve someone who treats your role in their life with the respect and love you give them. If you’re the one who always calls, texts, makes plans, etc., and they aren’t putting any work in, it’s time to realize your worth and walk away. Actions really do tell you more about a person than their words. They can shower you in “I love you’s” …but are they backing that up? Are they working on themself, encouraging and supporting you, and trying to grow with you? Communication is key in relationships; and reciprocity is required. You and your partner should be equal, the give and take should be balanced, and you should be growing individually and as a couple in order to take on life’s obstacles together. When that fails and that foundation cracks, it’s impossible to continue.
I met him at community college in my second attempt at taking Public Speaking (a transfer and major requirement) which my anxiety had caused me to fail the first time around. I was 19, he was 22, and I was falling hard… and fast. After a year of hooking up, confusion, and an on-again/ off-again dynamic, we started dating exclusively in 2018. He was my first relationship, first kiss, first everything. Those milestones were reached with someone I deeply loved, someone who a part of me will always love. But growth and change are an inevitable part of life. Sometimes love just isn’t enough of a reason to stay. When your partner refuses to accept or can’t even recognize the ways in which they need to work on their mental health in order to better their life and the relationship, it’s hard. You can’t save anyone that doesn’t want to save themself. You can try all you want by being as supportive as possible, but unless that person truly wants to change and put in the work needed, it won’t happen. Those feelings of helplessness lead to feelings of resentment and anger. You see them struggling, you’re begging them to get help, giving them resources, being understanding, and giving unconditional love. But the truth is, you can’t fix everything for them. You can’t take that initial step for them. They need to want to get better and find treatment for their mental illness. You can love them forever, but you can’t make them better.
There’s a song titled “Pyramids of Salt” by a band called The Wonder Years, and the bridge always brings me to tears. The raw pain in the vocals of the lines “And I love you/And I’m sorry/And I understand if you blame me/And I’m helpless/And you’re drowning/And I’m beating at the water here so desperately/So desperately/I drew a line in the sand with these worthless fucking hands/I drew a line in the sand, you washed it away again” perfectly encapsulate the vulnerable uselessness I felt towards the end of my relationship. I was resigned to knowing I couldn’t save “us” or help him deal with his problems. Almost two whole years of trying had proved that.
After the breakup, I confessed to my therapist that I thought I would be more upset. He pointed out the numerous sessions I had spent sobbing over the past year. He gently explained that it seemed like my head had been mourning the death of my relationship for about a year, and that my heart had finally caught up and reminded me that I was strong enough to end it. I still love my ex, but I don’t think I’m in love anymore. Our relationship was amazing for quite awhile and I love some of the memories we made. But as in all relationships, the struggles were hard to handle and the lows could be extreme. Overall, I learned a lot about myself, love, and relationships.
I was forced to accept that you can’t make people change. I learned that love can’t conquer everything. I learned that relationships can only last if both of you are mutually putting in effort. I learned to recognize my worth and ask to be treated as I deserve. And I learned to leave when someone doesn’t recognize and appreciate who I am and what I have to offer. Accepting that my relationship was ending was incredibly painful, but it needed to happen in order for me to grow and find happiness again. I know I’m getting there.