Edited By: Kavya Gupta
POV: It’s a Saturday night. You’re sitting on your bed, pondering about the intriguing turn of events your life has taken. From fantasizing about regular parties and an active social life; to the present- drowning yourself in a backlog of readings and studies for the coming week….
(Based on a true incident)
March 11th, 2023
Dear Diary,
It’s a Saturday night, and here I am. With severe cramps, a pile of unwashed laundry, the book ‘Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo’ and aching eyes from practising mathematics for my upcoming examination (Edit: 13/03/2023, 23:39 — Never mind, I dropped the course!). I enter my room exhausted. Sore from a bad workout earlier in the day, I drop dead on my bed. I swing myself to the extreme end of my desk, beyond the bed and grab a snack. You’d think that being an almost-adult-still-teenager on a weekend is the greatest fantasy. Well, this is me letting you down. I’d rather spend a night in, turn on an episode of ‘Gilmore Girls (#TeamLogan)’ and munch on my favourite dessert (psst… it is always the Ice-cream sandwich from the parlour below our residence hall). Oh! Guess what? I’ve turned on my comfort playlist and my favourite song plays (psst… it is ‘Kabhi Kabhi Aditi’). This is Saturday Night Live for me. Lately, I have been feeling all over the place. My emotions scattered, feelings displaced, and my mind focused on everything but the present. I could meditate, but will it help? I have become one uncomfortable soul, incessantly waiting to get up and move. I could study! Eh, an hour of studying math was enough to suck the life out of my soul. How about catching up with a friend? If only I wasn’t so socially drained. Well, guess what, let’s make Saturday nights a reason to host a one-person dance party… Phew, that felt good! Now that I’ve got my blood flowing, let’s get those feelings streaming as well.
So, let’s get to the juicy stuff.-
How was my week?
Well, I visited my friend’s place for Spring Break, touched snow for the first time, ate so much, shopped till I dropped, watched a new film every night, binge-watched ‘The Night Manager’ (hello Aditya Roy Kapur!) and fulfilled my desire of visiting a scene from ‘Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani’. Coming back to college was a reality check. Now, intentionally ignored assignment reminders pop up on my laptop screen, and a sinking feeling draws upon me. I realize it’s time to snap back to reality. In retrospect, however, my week did not disappoint.
How do I feel right now?
To give a subtle reply, I feel like a Monday. Dreaded, but tolerable. Nevertheless, today was bad. The vicious blend of contempt and inefficiency seriously overwhelmed me. Honestly, I feel burnt out. But journaling did help me (and so did dancing). Feeling anything at all has become a bit of a burden. I’d rather withhold those emotions, and move on, you know? I have a mid-sem paper due tomorrow anyway, who has time to sit and weep about my unremitting woes? Until one day, I break down and start panicking about everything going wrong.
Affirmations for tomorrow
It will pass? Brush it off, and move on? Fake it till you make it? Be a boss b*tch?
Ah, thinking about affirmations makes me want to pull my hair apart!
(I fleetingly glance at a reminder on my laptop screen- “Introduction to Comparative Politics: Readings for next week”.)
Hmmph, let’s go over my Checklist for today:
- Study Mathematics: Pretty sure the subject is feeding onto my soul.
- Have dinner with a friend (Do I have the social battery for it?).
- Work out (Get those endorphins running).
- Complete my assignments (Before they complete me!).
- Watch a cheesy 90’s film, and fawn over melodramatic romance.
- Cry a bit, and call it a night. Hot girls always cry.
Wow, I got a lot done today.
Do you know how people say Saturday nights are meant for leisure and a breath of fresh air? Contrarily, I have enough reason to believe that Saturdays have become just another night of studying, reading and catching up on the weekly backlog. In the race of being… how do we say it nowadays? Ah, yes! In the race of being an ‘academic weapon’, catching a break on weekends seems incredibly unfeasible. Where did the amusing expectations of being a ‘carefree, thrilled young adult Ahana’ go? What would younger me think of myself at this moment? I should probably delve over this as I head out of my room to finally do my laundry, and resume watching a clinching episode of ‘Gilmore Girls’ for the umpteenth time.
Signing off,
Ahana :)