I was walking around the house, my hair tied back in a high ponytail, a bowl with a homemade face mask in one hand, and a face mask brush in the other. I was begging my sister to give me some space. “I need to indulge in some self-care,” I proclaimed. My mom started laughing. “That’s her favourite pastime,” she said.
I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for as long as I can remember. I end up looking for various ways to navigate through the overwhelmingly suffocating world around me. I came across the term ‘self-care’ two summers ago. It seemed to me like a refuge for the overworked and mentally exhausted people that the ever-driven, goal-oriented world had increasingly created. Meditation, yoga, healthy food, solo vacations, exercise, skin-care, long hot-water baths, aromatherapy, juice cleanse, etc., all fell into this category. I was fixated, I wanted to care for myself as well.
All our lives we have been told that being self-indulgent is selfish, and in turn, wrong. However, I could now see this popular term all over the internet, with millions of people practising it and posting their success stories of a changed and happier life. “This is it,” I exclaimed, “I need to gratify myself with this new world of self-care and positivity to ‘glow-up’ like everyone else.”
Don’t get me wrong when I critique this practice. I am in no way proclaiming that the intent behind this radical shift in thought — that you deserve to care for yourself — is wrong. I am only providing an avenue for those who find the ‘task’ of ‘self-care’ daunting, but nevertheless, want to tend to themselves without feeling overwhelmed or attacked. This is my journey of exploring the vast world of self-care and turning it into something that vaguely resembles the utopia it promises. I hope it can help you do the same.
Photo by kevin laminto on Unsplash
I found a lot of material on the internet that claimed to be ‘hacks’ for integrating self-care in my life. There are about a thousand Instagram handles preaching #goodvibes #selfcaresis, and text posts of how to’s. I was fascinated by them and started following the steps and tips after intensive research. I was certain that having a proper skin care routine with expensive products, or meditating with a proper pillow at an undisturbed place, or putting yellow string lights around my room and buying unnecessarily expensive faux fur throws and weighted blankets, or keeping my room smelling like lavender and sandalwood would guarantee me an anxiety-free, positive and wholesome life. I was wrong, and the instant I started looking at self-care as some sort of a mechanical cause and effect procedure, driven by the millions of posts, I started participating in the amplified commodification of what was meant to be a way out of the already extremely result-oriented world. Thus, losing a sense of why I started the practice in the first place, I got obsessed with why I wasn’t getting the clear skin, a good body, the anxiety-free lifestyle, better grades than before, a constantly positive attitude that I was promised I would have once I followed the steps of self-care.
I am not saying that every person who is introduced to the varieties of activities listed afore will fall into the race of perfection like I did. However, it is important to understand that the vagueness of what self-care means and what activities and results are associated with it provide a leeway for a lot of unhelpful and negative consequences that hinder reaching a better headspace. We need to be aware and drive away the impulse of painting self-care as a new set of plans, activities, and tasks to be followed. This impulse could, in turn, create the pressure for following these plans to perfection. This could cause more anxiety about not being ‘good enough at self-care.’. Therefore, I list below a few tips — as paradoxical as that sounds — to keep in mind before determining for yourself what your self-care routine is:
1. Self-care is highly personal: This is the most significant part of the process. Self-care is all about you, and you need to reflect on what is it that you need help with. If you need a routine, you can decide daily self-care activities for yourself. If you need a quick grounding exercise only when you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can write steps for yourself to follow when you need to. You might want to have a weekly check-in system for yourself. Whatever suits you is valid, you do not need anyone else telling you what to do. Be honest with yourself about the positives and the negatives in your life and choose to indulge in the former. This is not only great for your self-care routine, but also for your general mental health; reflecting on your life helps most people become better, healthier and calmer.
2. Stay away from social media click baits: Yes, I know it’s tempting to get a printout of your ‘self-care guide 2018’ and skip self-reflection because it’s the most intimidating part. My advice would be to stay away from social media until you’re absolutely certain that you’re satisfied with your OWN definition of what self-care means. You can use the internet as an aid, but never let it be the defining force for you. For example, if you decide that you need a few grounding activities for when you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can turn to the internet to get a blueprint for it.
3. Give yourself a break: If you end up creating a routine for yourself and are unable to follow it, you’re not the worst person in the world! Sit back and relax, maybe you’re biting off more than you can chew, and it’s okay if you realize that two months later. It’s never too late to revamp your routine as and when you need it; do not forget that this is about you and what’s best for you. It is not another to-do list.
4. Stop looking for results: I know the whole point of self-care is to find a way to better yourself and have a peaceful lifestyle. However, it is important to understand that even if you don’t get the results you’re expecting, you are always gaining something that you need. It is okay to work around your idea of self-care and change it as time progresses, but don’t alter it just because you still have the blemishes on your skin that were supposed to leave or you’re still 3 kgs above your target weight. Instead, reflect on the kind of results you’re asking of yourself. Are they possible? And more importantly, are they required for your overall well-being? Reflect, but don’t obsess.
5. Enjoy: Lastly, it is important to enjoy this self-loving and positive venture you’re pampering yourself with. Don’t ask of yourself what you can’t get; an hour away from all your devices and taking a walk can do more wonders than buying an expensive aromatic air diffuser for your dorm room. Enjoy every step you take, and be present. The rest will fall into place.
Edited by Vidushi Rijuta (UG 2019)