What a silly kind of dream, to see movies in the theatre and shows on television and then think of the day you get to live those experiences. Of hustling through college while drowning in coffee, dancing through the day and falling asleep late. We got caught up in different dreams through what we had seen on the screens, even though high school was not as musical as we expected it to be.
Then college finally started. The days were a blurry kind of beautiful, with the first week knocking our breath out completely–sometimes because of the hustle we faced and sometimes because of all the laughs we shared. And in the rush experienced in this new atmosphere and in our new experiences, all our previous expectations died. I didn’t have the time to sit and dream about what things could possibly be different or what might cause me discontent soon. With the following week came classes and the pressures of performing and living up to the ‘hype’ of college life. Wallets got lighter at the speed of light and assignments piled on in the blink of an eye. I smiled through it, happily. Amongst this chaotic life, I still felt at home.
But the honeymoon phase of college was soon replaced by the existential one. Friendships were questioned and sleepless nights were inevitable. Smiling became harder because all those late nights resulted in complete and utter exhaustion. Undoubtedly, the most important thing to learn during these two months for me was how to be alone. Every place on campus is filled with people at all times, and sometimes being a part of the crowd makes you feel lonelier. Then arrived the pressures of socialization and maintaining the fast friendships that followed. The longer I deprived myself of solitude, the more I found myself losing my mind and my individuality. It made the biggest difference to take a walk alone at night, with the stars above and some nostalgic music playing through my earphones. I found that silence had become blissful, as it allowed me to finally gather my thoughts. I realized like I hope many others will, that it is fine to take time out for yourself and it is fine to feel overwhelmed even when nothing seems to be going wrong. And those peaceful moments, are the slow kind of beautiful, where you drown in your emotions but never sink.
There are new realizations every single day, and some take longer than others to settle in. The contrast between hustling through the day and listening to the deep silence of the night in itself is hard to get used to. There is so much that movies and serials do not show, and there is so much I have experienced that I myself don’t truly understand. I have found that through it all, it is best to stay true to yourself and not get lost in the drift. I am learning to manage all my courses while actually eating meals on time, and learning to say no to people who don’t deserve my time.
College has been a bittersweet mix of emotions, with a lot of positivity and love but an equal amount of confusion and anxiety. Of course, you learn to deal with it, overcome it and move on. Or that’s what you hope in your caffeine induced rush as you hustle through the midterm week, trying to keep your life together, in a dazed kind of beautiful.
Edited by Daya Ambirajan (UG 2021)