This article mentions mental health and suicidal thoughts
My mind & me, we don’t get along sometimes.
Selena Gomez landed her first role when she was seven years old on the beloved television show, Barney & Friends. Since then, she began working nonstop and became a household name as Alex Russo on Wizards of Waverly Place. She is an actress, philanthropist, businesswoman, and singer. While she is known for many things, she is just Selena at the end of the day. A girl with big dreams who grew into a woman with various layers whom I’ve admired for years.
On November 4th of this year, a documentary titled ‘My Mind & Me’ was released. Filming started in 2016 when Selena was getting ready for her Revival tour. We see her struggle with her body image (“I don’t wanna be like…making sure I look like a woman and not a twelve-year-old boy”) break down over flaws she sees in her performance, and the haunting of a past relationship “When am I going to be good enough by myself? Without needing to be associated with anyone else?”. At the time this scene was shot, Selena was in her early 20s and I thought that her tears made her look younger. Though I haven’t experienced that sort of pressure, I could feel how the expectations of fans and those that work for her did to various aspects of her health. Another thing to keep in mind that I hadn’t known previously was that she has to check her blood pressure to make sure her lupus doesn’t cause a stroke.
After 55 shows, the Revival tour was canceled due to Gomez’s battle with anxiety and depression. It got to the point where she began contemplating suicide. In 2017, her lupus left her needing a kidney transplant which was given to her by longtime friend Francia Raisa. The next year she suffered an episode of psychosis and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Initially, she did not want to go to a mental health hospital but ultimately decided that she needed to get help. When she received her diagnosis, she didn’t know what to do with it and was scared. So, she thought back to what her mother would do when Selena was a child growing up in Texas, fearing thunderstorms. The advice given was: “The more you learn about it, the less you’re going to be afraid of it.” And that’s what she did.
On September 19th, 2019, she spoke at the McLean Psychiatric Annual Dinner explaining her experience, where she’s at now, and saying: “I struggle with my own thoughts and feelings but it does not make me faulty, it does not make me weak. It does not make me less than. It makes me human.” To me, this quote said a lot. A lot of times, (complex) emotions and thoughts can be seen as negative or used as a weapon against someone, but understanding and facing them only makes someone stronger.
The following month, Selena Gomez made a musical comeback with her single ‘Lose You To Love Me’. It became one of the most streamed ballad debuts since Adele, making them the only women in history to accomplish that. I remember listening to the song as soon as I woke up for school and I cried. I was so proud of her; I still am. I felt as though she needed this. The single holds a lot of meanings and interpretations, especially when it comes to the subject matter that can be linked to her most public relationship. In the documentary, she says that “it’s about more than a lost love. It’s me learning to choose myself. To choose life. But also hoping that people can find grace and peace in that too”. Ultimately, she states that going through the hardest breakup was the best thing that ever happened to her.
She performed the single along with her second, ‘Look At Her Now’, at the AMAs which did not get the most rave reviews. Even I thought that it wasn’t her best performance but I knew that it was because she was nervous. It was her first performance in about two years. Immediately after, she flew to Kenya to meet with young women who attended WE College. This was something she had been wanting to do for a while, but her lupus was preventing her from doing so. She went to learn more about the school, honor their strive for education, and talk about mental health. She was able to make valuable connections with the women that she met. It was more suited to her as well as purposeful than being a celebrity had been providing for her. Even if she didn’t explicitly say it, I knew that she wanted to stay. A piece of her heart was left in Kenya and she soon departed to do promo for her upcoming album Rare in London.
Selena was miserable during each of her promotional interviews. They were supposed to be centered and focused around her third studio album, and yet no one asked her serious questions about it. Instead, they asked fruitless questions about her favorite color, peculiar cravings, and boys. She said she never wants to do anything like that again, as it reminded her of her Disney days and made her feel like a product. It was a bit eye opening to me in the way that I have seen countless of her interviews and while they are not all lacking substance, there are quite a good amount that do. It was different seeing them back to back instead of spread out and up to my choosing of which one to watch. It’s interesting to think about in a way because I am younger than the interviewers and I know that I would ask someone to expand on their answers and focus on their work. It makes me wonder if they’re just following questions that they are told or if they just don’t think to ask more [than what’s given].
Back at home, she gets honest about not wanting to be famous. She wants to be a mother and live a normal life like others. Due to certain medications that she must take for her bipolar disorder, she is unable to have biological children. Nevertheless, she is not discouraged. She is confident and hopeful that she will have children in the way that she is meant to. This may be a bold statement, but I know that she would make a great mother.
Gomez goes back and forth on how she feels about her life currently, and what she can further do with her platform if this is her calling. In 2020, she founded the Rare Impact Fund and went to the White House this year to discuss mental health curricula in schools. Additionally, she co-founded Wondermind, a Mental Health Fitness website with her mother, Mandy, and CEO of The Newsette, Daniella in the fall of 2022.
‘My Mind & Me’ is filled with so much more than the eye can see; a lot has happened in her 30 years and the documentary only scratches the surface. The audience gets to see heartwarming home videos, her feelings towards her biological father, visits to her hometown, hospital treatments, and harassment from the paparazzi. We even see a relatable moment of childhood TV crushes when she shows the audience that she had written ‘Cole Sprouse + Selena’ on one of the walls in her old house. As a longtime fan of Selena, this documentary is very special and important to me. Sure, I already knew most if not all of the details prior to the doc, but knowing something and having it broken down in front of you are two different things. Especially, when you see the raw emotion of someone who has done their best to portray themselves and their struggles in a specific way to the public. I will admit, I cried multiple times throughout. Seeing her home videos were very cute and touching. I wasn’t expecting her to talk about her relationship with her father since she typically never does, and it struck a chord in me. I found that I related to her self-deprecating comments and journal entries. I think at one point while I did feel for her, her words hit me and it became about me if that makes sense.
It’s hard to see someone that I admire be so taxed and drained from everything. I love her projects, I love watching Only Murders in the Building, and taking Sephora trips to browse through her makeup line. But it’s really a reality check for me that whenever she decides to stop, that will be the best thing for her. For now, I’m glad to be able to experience her art and the philanthropy that she has done (as well as sob to her single about mental health, ‘My Mind & Me’).
At the end of the documentary, she realizes that she is clearly alive for something. Furthermore, it’s about who she is and being okay with where she is [in life]. Selena Gomez accepts what she cannot change and uses it as a driving force in her life.
What has been, is not what will be.
‘My Mind & Me’ documentary is available on Apple TV+, while her single of the same name is available on Spotify and Apple Music. More in-depth insight in Rolling Stone’s December issue.