When I grow up, I want to be a Mom.
When I was in kindergarten, my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I answered, “a Mommy.”
As a big sister, I feel like I immediately snapped into baby-loving mode as soon as my little brother was born. I gave him hell most of the time, that’s for sure, but every Saturday morning when Mom and Dad slept in, I made him breakfast, built forts with him, and made up fun games for us to play. He was, and still is one of my favorite humans in this world. I loved taking care of him, and helping Mom pick out his little outfits.
Now, I’m 19. At just 20, my Mom and Dad had me. No one ever believes me when I say that my parents planned to have me that young–but they did. They were married and very anxious to have kids. They had SO much love to give, they couldn’t wait for a baby. Thus, I was born. Will I be ready for a kid at 20? HECK no. No, no, no. I need at least like, eight more years of me time. But, I have always had an environment of love and support surrounding me, and I think this is why I have a heart that craves giving love to others.
I have baby fever, I love children, and I definitely have a way with them. As someone with absolutely no patience, for some reason I don’t mind kids. I have always dreamed of the magic that having a child will be one day for me… which is why it has absolutely turned my world upside down to know that I may not be able to have healthy children one day.
About a year ago, my little brother who gave me my love for children, began practically living at the doctor’s office. It wasn’t until earlier last year that we received answers in regard to his health. Recently my brother, and later my Dad, were both diagnosed with a genetic, cancer causing disease called MENS, or Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Syndrome.
I now know that even if I am just a carrier of this disease, I will put any children I have at risk of having this sometimes debilitating disease. I’ve turned it over in my head again, and again, and again.
How can I make this moral decision to decide someone else’s fate? How can I consciously know that there is a risk that my kids will be in and out of hospitals and in constant doctor visits their entire life? How can I feel okay selfishly praying to God that I don’t have to struggle with the same disease my own family member’s have just because I don’t want to have to deal with it? Why don’t I just adopt? Why can’t I stray from the idea of giving birth to my own child? I struggle with this every day.
I have not taken the genetic test to determine whether or not I have this disease, meaning that as it stands right now, I do not know if I will be able to have healthy children one day. But I do know one thing. I know that God has a plan for my life. I know that if I am meant to have healthy children, or children at all, I will. I also know that I won’t be having kids tomorrow, and hopefully in the years to come, genetic embryo selection will improve and if I do have MENS, it is my hope that they will be able to select for healthy endocrine traits so that my children will not be impacted by the secret killer that may or may not rest on my chromosomes. I know that prayer will keep me strong, and I know that I can’t sit around and worry about something that I A) don’t even have medical results in regard to yet, B) won’t impact me for several years and C) that I cannot change.
If i’ve learned anything from this experience it has been that you cannot make your own plan for your life, and you also can’t take your plan for granted. As a Christian, I don’t believe that I write my own story. Soon, I’ll know if I have this disease, carry it, or am completely unaffected. Regardless, I know there will be money, healthcare, and tough choices involved for the rest of my life in regard to both my family and myself. But I know that those chapters are already written, I just haven’t gotten there in my story yet.