One of the hardest things a girl can go through in college is a breakup. And, arguably, the last thing she wants to hear is “you need to take time for yourself” or “give it time.” There’s no checklist on how to get over them or how to “distract yourself” with classes and college without getting overwhelmed. No matter how long you dated them, a college breakup is always a battle.
Most of us hear that true healing takes time, but what are you supposed to do during that time? How do you know if you’ve truly gotten over them or if you’re simply trying to convince yourself you have? The truth is, no amount of self-help books or podcasts will heal you; only you can. But where do you start?
do not text them! regardless of the circumstances!
Trust me, I know it sounds repetitive, but don’t text them. Ever. You can tell them when you’re returning their stuff, but after that, you’re never to speak or call them again. There’s no sugarcoating it and I know this may be common sense, but when a breakup is fresh, it’s easy to text them, especially when you’re alone and all your friends are hanging out with their boyfriends or girlfriends.
But texting them doesn’t just give them power; it forces you to start your healing process all over. After a breakup, every day is one step closer to the finish line, so if you text them, you have to start back from the beginning. By keeping no contact, you’re not going to be waiting to hear from them, and you can start to erase their name from your phone.
Write down why you guys broke up!
Whether it was a mutual or one-sided breakup, open your notes app or write in your journal why that relationship ended. Simply just two or three bullet points about why it didn’t work out. I believe this works for two reasons.Â
One, it’s helpful to get the words out of your head and onto some sort of paper, or else they’ll continue spiraling around with no true “home”. I know some girls even like to write it on a piece of paper and then physically tear it into shreds or burn it so it feels like those words are finally gone.
Second, whenever you’re missing him for the wrong reasons or it’s late at night and you feel lonely, those reasons are always there for you to go back and read to remind yourself. Sometimes our brains purposely focus on the good parts, which can make getting over them very difficult. It’s good to remind ourselves why we’re single in the first place. Then, eventually, once your brain is spiraling, it’ll become routine to remember your reasons you wrote down.
Make a list of things you want to improve on!
Everyone says a breakup is a chance for you to focus and improve yourself, but I think most people just hope it happens naturally. Unfortunately, if you want to come out of the breakup stronger, you have to put in the work to do so. Something that helped me was making a list of things I want to improve on, either by the end of the year, by the next season, or by the end of the school year.
Don’t make it overly long or vague, but just list five things you want to focus on. These could be opening up to your friends more, or simply just going to the gym every other day. Having guidelines will help immensely when you don’t know where to start.
Picture achieving your goals without them!
The hardest, and arguably final, part of surviving a breakup is to start picturing your life without them. When you wake up, don’t look at your phone hoping to see a good morning text from them. When you pass the test, tell your friend, not them. When you land the interview, call your mom and tell her about it–leave them out of it.
I know it’s hard when you thought they were going to be there for all of this, but the quicker you realize they won’t be, the quicker you can start building a life centered around you. Wake up and do something you love every day or sign up for something you’ve always wanted to do. The more time you spend accomplishing things for yourself, the more you’ll realize you actually can live without them
No one said any of this would be easy, and I can’t give you a timeline for when you’ll feel better, but if you follow these steps you’ll open doors for yourself you didn’t even know existed. Let these guide your self-care era, and then you can actually tell people, “I’m working on myself,” after you get out of a relationship, rather than just saying it and hoping it comes true.