The way we are socialised to perceive our attraction to others is a difficult concept to reflect on. The concept of what is love and what is cathexis is even harder, and as highlighted by Belle Hooks in her book ‘About Love’, the feeling of Cathexis (essentially having a crush) and the practice of loving someone are very different things. What we are taught to feel about love, how we portray it and who we direct it to is built from when we are children – what we see our parents, relatives and adults around us do for or to people that they say they love. In a heteronormative setting, as women and femme-presenting individuals, we have the reality of marrying a man or seeking male validation imposed on us in more ways than clear verbal statements. It’s in the way we are marketed to, in our toys and movies. It’s in the way we are taught to dress, lie or manipulate the truth to better please the hypothetical man and protect ourselves – extending patriarchy as a force even we use as well. We learn, from a young age, that to be completely honest with ourselves and others is naive – even if adults encourage you not to lie, they obviously do to themselves and their partners. For women then, we may learn that to love is to provide in some part a service, a way to sustain ourselves, with regard to our male partners as part of our fulfilling role as what a woman should do.
So, what does this have to do with Comphet? Or what is Comphet?
Compulsory Heterosexuality is a phenomenon familiar to every single lesbian and sapphic individual out there. It is when, due to culture and societal upbringing you feel a connection to a different sex and are taught to believe that that is attraction. Because we as children were taught to experience our positive feelings toward boys and men as attraction – whether through being teased by our peers or parents, or TV Shows – our attitude towards real attraction becomes a bit distorted. If we learn love as a service, if you are someone who may like women, love is therefore restricted to a duty. As a heterosexual woman, you may move past this and love your partner genuinely – especially if your male partner has come to terms with being a man in the patriarchy. But as a lesbian, the service would never end. Even for heterosexual women, the service never ends with patriarchy casting a shadow over most relationships. Do you care because you were taught to care and to nurture men as a woman, or because you genuinely do? And does he show the same for you? Or do you love it as a game and show manipulation but never feel completely secure? Food for thought.
For me, it was easier to realise I liked women than it was to realise I didn’t like men. That only happened this year, with the advent of ‘Good Luck Babe’ by Chappell Roan being the most played song on my Spotify, and so much more Queer Sapphic media being released in the last few years. Almost in tragic comedy, I found myself deeply considering the lyrics of the song and confronting myself in a way I hadn’t thought before. In the song Chappell is not only speaking to a past lover, but herself, I found myself reflecting on every single time I’ve ever found any man attractive – I came to the earth-shattering realisation that I don’t think I ever did. But I only figured that out when I felt a genuine attraction to a woman, and it felt incredibly different to what I had to man.
Now that being said, that doesn’t mean that all of the men I have liked were unattractive and I was forcing myself to like them. They were all mostly lovely and delightful to be around. But that’s the thing. If I were to pick out something in a romantic sense, beyond what would platonically be applicable, I would be a little stumped. They were funny, or they were smart, or I thought they had style and were handsome so therefore I must attract to them. Right? Right?! Turns out that although I am a lesbian, I’m also not blind, so that’s not conducive to anything.
Or maybe they were unattainable, and I used my ‘attraction’ to them to masquerade as a form of heterosexuality, but really more often than not the characteristics of these people would be a standard no normal person could achieve. But the important thing is to remember that I knew from 11 years old that I liked girls for sure. Before then, I knew it was a possibility but had no proof, so I didn’t deep it. And I was also a child, with much bigger problems at the time.
As women, we are taught to seek patriarchal approval in some capacity. Whether it be from our fathers, or our mothers reinforcing patriarchal norms. We, as women, through the encouragement of lying and fawning, have been taught to please and seek external approval from birth. In some ways, we further the patriarchy in that aspect, because of how we expect certain standards from men in their roles and sometimes that comes to our aid. So, if we seek approval, as an undiscovered Lesbian it may just be easier to stick to performing that service and like men because that’s all you’ve ever known and seen. Even in heterosexual pop culture, there is a struggle on how to love women beyond a level of gender essentialism. Without proper resources – because a lot of lesbian media is inaccessible or directed by men (Blue is the warmest colour and Handmaiden are not safe here) – how is a woman supposed to know how to genuinely love a woman beyond a patriarchal view?
And this is in part why Comphet is so hard to shake, even if you are the Lesbian to rule all Lesbians. A part of you was always taught to seek patriarchal approval. It’s easier to convince yourself to love them because it is a learned skill. Even more so if you don’t experience attraction in a clear-cut way. Not all attractions are sexual, and not all sexual attractions happen at the same rate as others. It’s called a spectrum for a reason, and to tackle is a lot of work.
It was harder for me to let go of the idea liking men, and even still I’m not sure if I’m telling the truth when I say I only like women – as the idea has been taught to be so efficiently since birth. I know that I will get married to or spend the rest of my life with a woman and that possible future makes me feel not just happy, but calm – yet I can shake the feeling of not being truthful. And it will be a good many years before I may feel comfortable with it, as I learn about who I am. Because then, there is disappointment – that I won’t be an image of the perfect woman, because I have not fulfilled a role. My parents never intentionally taught me to seek male approval, but they did tell me not to talk back, that girls are better seen than heard, and that I should take care of others. Not their fault entirely, for they were taught the same way. External culture taught me male approval more boldly. Capitalism (uh oh) and Gender Essentialism make it so that I have this role.
Yeah, I couldn’t not mention capitalism, these things all go hand in hand. But fortunately for you, I’m not going to delve into it too deeply right now. Partly because this piece is more reflective of my own experiences.
All this is to say I have had love for men. If love, as defined by Hooks, is the will to see the spiritual enhancement of yourself or another (spiritual meaning the soul, not purely religious) then it transcends sexuality. There is platonic love for example. And as I said before, I’m a Lesbian – not blind, and good-looking people are good-looking. But are they good-looking in the way of a painting or a potential relationship? Are you attracted to him because he is kind to you, or because you were taught that because he is kind and funny to you must like him?
This article only touches the surface, as it is purely self-reflective. To unpack Comphet and unlearn how we learn to love if it is not truly authentic – is a long road. This piece is imperfect because I am not at the end of the road either. There is a reason that many sapphics do not realise their attraction to women until well into their adulthood. Sometimes, it feels easier to stick to liking men because that’s what society encourages, and it is easier to act and perform the reality. And it is even more disorientating when you incorporate the fact that how you experience sexual attraction and romance is a spectrum that does not present the same. I haven’t even talked about the feeling for transwomen and other gender identities, which I believe needs a better-researched article due to the rampant fearmongering that has taken over the last ten years. I should add here that where I use ‘woman’, I mean those socialised to be the cultural presentation of women, including non-binary, trans and all identities in between if applicable.
I would like to end this with some recommendations for further reading, by people much smarter than me and better researched on the idea – not just of Comphet, but what it means to love.
Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence (1980) By AC Rich – the OG article that introduced the concept, and what it means to be a Lesbian.
‘All About Love: New Visions’ by Belle Hooks – very insightful as a woman navigating what it means to love, especially if you come from a dysfunctional family background or are a person of colour. Honestly, for Black Feminism Belle Hooks is a good starting point.
Books mentioned in Bell Hooks’ All About Love | LibraryThing – This whole list of the books that are mentioned in the prior books.
These are starting points, to not have too much in the article. But I’d like to say that it is hard to confront Comphet. You shouldn’t feel bad for struggling with it, even if you are confidently out as a Lesbian. Further, although this is implied, this should not be used to diminish bisexuality – as a form of Comphet is experienced by all women at the end of the day, even if you do feel attraction to men. Identity is nuanced and complicated, based on your societal upbringing and where you are in history. The very labels we have around sexuality, and the creation of Gender Essentialism are Capitalistic to encourage the development of markets, made worse post neo liberali- *Gunshot*
Where was I? Right, don’t feel bad for feeling bad. Human beings are complicated. But I hope this did help in at least confirming your feelings. It was good for me to get out.