“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place” – Red Queen (Alice in Wonderland).
Funnily enough, I rediscovered this expression at university whilst studying Evolutionary Biology, as the Red Queen’s race theory was used to illustrate genetic recombination and natural selection. Since then, I have been repeating the sentence so many times in my head -every time I feel like I am running from one thing to another without really moving forward in my life. Running and running only to keep yourself in a place that resembles home.
It may be a bit stereotypical –“internationals stick together” – but my close friends’ group in Aberdeen is mainly composed of international people. And as internationals, we talk about home, homesickness and loneliness on multiple occasions. It can be tough to feel comfortable in a place that is not where you grew up, especially at university, where everything seems so unstable, and you are likely to change flat and flatmates more than once. Sometimes you just do not want to put effort into decorating your walls, buy carpets and plants when you know you will stay in that apartment for only a semester or two. So, the question is: will I never feel at home here? Maybe there is a way. We need habits to feel at home without necessarily having a physical place to call home, and here are my suggestions.
- Find comfort in the small things that remind you of home
It could be lighting a candle with your sister’s favourite scent in the evening as she used to do, spend Sunday morning baking the cake your dad always made, reading a book in bed in your native language, and so on. Everyone has different experiences and habits – the beauty stands in finding what works for you in temporarily creating a bubble to feel safe and relaxed.
Personally, food is the key. Growing up with my Italian grandma, I have been quite spoiled in terms of meals – homemade pasta and traditional desserts every week. So when I feel particularly homesick, I order some Italian dishes from my favourite restaurants here (use this with caution: it can be delusional if you have high standards) or I ask my grandma for a random recipe she used to cook, and I remake it.
Remember, it does not mean you have to copy and paste your old life back home. Instead, it means you can create a new version of it, if you want, by incorporating old and formulating new habits.
- Do not idealise your old home and life
Since coming to Aberdeen, I found myself talking to my friends about my hometown in ways I would have never used to before. Unexpectedly, the smell of freshly baked pastries coming from the bakery next to my house is now adorable and not irritating because it used to make me unfocused. All the churches and buildings full of mosaics are now something I am proud of and not an attraction for dumb tourists. Sometimes I even miss the beauty of the decaying walls of my high school, where I spent most of my teenage years.
Then I have to remind myself why I left in the first place and why I am happy about my life in Aberdeen. I guess there is no harm in getting nostalgic from time to time, but it can become a problem when all you can think is how your life was better then, how your town was cleaner or quieter or warmer – yes, I feel the pain.
Know the value of your hometown but appreciate where you are in the present and the new experiences you are making that you would not have made back home. It might be a very Gen-Z thing to do, but when I feel like Aberdeen is disappointing me, I check my Instagram stories archive and look at all the places I have visited here, the new things I have learned and the friends I have made, and I feel better.
3. Focus on the positive side of independence
How many times did you wish to be alone at home so you could just listen to full-blast music to that new album without your mum complaining about the noise? Or when you wanted to have your friends over, but you were not allowed to invite them? Now you can do it. Of course, we all know the challenging parts of living alone, the cooking and cleaning and so on, and how it can get lonely sometimes, but let’s not forget about the good side
If you want company, you can invite a friend over and watch Netflix together all night long. Cook or order something that was absolutely forbidden back home. You can dance in the kitchen like no one is watching, because no one is. Or stay in bed until 1pm when you are hungover (friendly advice – drink some water). Being a grown-up is hard, but it comes with a few advantages.
4. Keep in touch with the people you love – here and there
This is all about balance. And everyone’s balance is different. For instance, you may want to schedule a time and day to call your family every week, or you may prefer daily updates from your friends back home. In any case, find ways to contact the people you miss, but don’t let this affect your opportunity to make new friends where you are right now. Any kind of long-distance relationship is hard, but it is also a way to fortify pre-existing bonds while creating new ones.
Finally, accept the homesickness. Accept the loneliness. Work through it. Change is part of life and changing country is always a challenge. Even when you will acclimatise yourself to the new environment and homesickness will fade, new changes will come, and you will have to start all over again. Therefore, keep in mind you are in a specific place in a specific moment for a reason, and that home doesn’t have to be a place, it can be a person, a habit or anything you want, as long as it works for you.