Welcome to ‘MyADHD’; a series where I talk about my ADHD journey (because my friends are sick of me). In this series, I want to talk about the secret superpowers that make up neurodivergence. Give you a run-through of what it is, and try to combat some harmful stereotypes about neurodivergence from the perspective of a neurodivergent. So get ready for big words and the education of your lives!
In February of 2022, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD combined type at the ripe old age of 20.
It is a similar case for many people with combined or inattentive types. When you think of ADHD, you see a little, hyperactive boy that causes trouble for teachers, is disruptive in class and never listens to instructions. That is NOT what ADHD is. It is the inability to regulate the hormone dopamine in the brain. This can often lead to an ‘all or nothing’ mentality.
I failed this test, the world is ending, and I’m a failure. I’ve spent hours on a new hobby that I love, I become euphoric, and nothing in the world could tear me down.
If I had a day where I was happy, just ecstatic to be alive, it would always dampen my mood because I knew that “something bad will happen to balance it out”. This wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t correct either. What was happening in my dramatic teenage brain was that in the morning, I’d had a big hit of dopamine, and as the day went on, I ran out. Simple as that. It’s all about either too little or too much. Sometimes I have to pace myself to avoid getting carried away with a hobby so I don’t ruin it for myself. Other times I can be prone to depression and anxiety. My dishes are never done, but I love to bake. My room is never clean, but I can’t work when it’s messy. ADHD is a constant contradiction. Very simply, I work differently than other people.
When I was diagnosed, I was both relieved and so angry. I wanted to scream. Those times I’d been called lazy and told I wasn’t living up to my potential, it hurt. And now I know that it was never my fault, it was chemicals in the brain mucking up the whole system.
But now, I have a very different opinion of ADHD. It’s not good or bad, it’s just neutral. In the world around me, I am disabled, just because the world isn’t designed for me. I don’t fit into that little box of expectation. But despite this, it’s one of my greatest superpowers. Because of my hyper-fixations, I love to write, read, mould clay, paint, sketch, world-build, knit, and play the ukulele. I chose a course that I can’t stop thinking about because that means every time I get an assignment, I get the hit of dopamine that I need to get it done. I have written a 3000-word essay in six hours without moving from the spot, all from memory. And manuscripts on projects I get to design? Easy.
If you are a fellow funky brain, then you’ll understand the constant ups and downs, the anxiety, depression, euphoria, and frustration. So often are we told that we think outside the box, but I didn’t realise the box existed. That sounds like a superpower to me.