“Mama always said college professors are like a box of chocolates: You never know what you’re gonna get.” – Forrest Gump (at least, that’s what he actually wanted to say). For too many semesters we have waited until course evaluations to (anonymously) critique/praise our professors. If only we could tell them what we were thinking whenever we wanted.
1. If you’ve given up on taking attendance, then I’m giving up coming to class.
2. Stop canceling class by putting a note on the door. Send. A. Damn. Email.
3. “Cumulative” is just another way for you to tell us that you hate us.
4. Stop telling me I’m going to need statistics in the real world. I figured out that was a myth in the 8th grade.
5. Are you really going to go over on time?
6. If you’re just going to have your T.A. grade all of the exams, why even bother giving them?
7. It’s Friday, I’m not coming to class.
8. It’s raining, I’m not coming to class.
9. I’m addicted to Netflix, I’m not coming to class.
10. My best friend’s cousin’s dog died… I’m not coming to class.
11. I want to learn without scrolling through Twitter simultaneously, but you’re boring me to tears.
12. If you tell me that I can’t use my laptop to take notes, you’re dead to me.
13. Oh, sweet. The required textbook is $200… and written by you.
14. Just. Round. Up.
15. Give us the curve… You know you want to.
16. Your fly is open.
17. Assign one more group project, I dare you.
18. Could we wrap this up a little bit early?
19. Not everyone cares about this 101 class as much as you. Actually, no one does.
20. On that note, couldn’t you just pass us if we need this class to graduate?
21. Can I still get my mom to call you if I don’t agree with my grade?
22. Going to your office hours makes me feel awkward.
23. I only came to office hours because you said we would get extra credit.
24. I really just talk in class because I heard somewhere it makes it harder for you to fail me.
25. If you don’t like giving bad grades then why do you give impossible exams?
26. Stop trying to guilt-trip us into studying.
27. Post the lecture slides online or feel the wrath of 1,000 angry students.
28. Why can’t you get together with the other professors and decide on one conclusive way to write an essay?
29. I am so tired of these rules.
30. Yes, I did just fall asleep. I blame you for making this a morning class.
31. But really though, can we stop having this class in the morning?
32. “It’s on the syllabus” is the most annoying phrase you can use. Just tell us the assignment.
33. Tell me again how your class is the most important out of all of the classes I’m taking.
34. And please, while you’re at it, schedule everything to be due the same week as my other classes’ assignments.
35. I was actually interested in this class once…
36. There is no way that I can read an entire novel in two days.
37. I used SparkNotes for this quiz.
38. I did this essay this morning and didn’t proofread. Sorry.
39. It’s not my fault that your ego is so fragile that you feel you have to give quizzes when too many people are absent.
40. I just really want to do well and you’re making this exceptionally hard.
41. Your verbal tics are infuriating.
42. If you pick your nose in front of us, we’re going to judge you. End of story.
43. Using *~hip~* lingo does not make us like you. Nor does it make you *~hip~*.
44. If you’re going to take seven years to grade our essays, why did you even assign them?
45. What do you mean you’re not posting grades online? I’m supposed to guess what I got?!
46. I appreciate this movie day you’re giving us, but your movie choice needs some work. Might I suggest Anchorman?
47. Your class taught me one thing: How to look like I’m actually doing work when I’m really on Pinterest.
48. I would like you more if you stopped rambling about your cat and let us out early.
49. Sure, I’ll tell you that your kids are cute, but could you stop talking about them?
50. I’ve actually learned a lot in this class. Thank you.