Panic attacks have never happened consistently in my life, instead, they creep up after years or a decade. The first memory I have of a panic attack was when I was eight-years-old. It was during my winter break in the second grade. I lived in Haiti, but I was on vacation in Florida. I always looked forward to going back home to Port-au-Prince, Haiti, but something felt different this time. Before we left for home, I had a really severe panic attack. I sobbed for hours and kept saying I could not go back to Haiti. I sensed something bad would happen. I thought this fear was irrational and even felt guilt back then for having experienced this panic attack in front of family members.
The truth is most of the time what we are anxious about, does not even happen (which is a relieving thought). But once in a while, something we feared becomes reality and that sure does a good job at validating the anxiety and panic we have and keeps us in that cycle, rather than us focusing on effective ways we can handle certain situations.
I attempted to ease my feelings about having returned home, but weeks later on Tuesday, January 12, 2010, that became impossible when a 7.0 magnitude earthquake struck Haiti. About 220,000 people died and 1.5 million became homeless in 35 seconds. My family and I too had lost our home. My younger sister, nanny at the time, and I were in our home that ended up as rubble. The panic attacks certainly returned that day, over and over again. I have written about this moment before, but for this piece I will be reflecting on how it affects me today and how to heal from a traumatic event.
I think I went about my life not recognizing how deep my trauma is until recently, I realized I had left it unresolved which is why my panic attacks have returned as a twenty-year-old woman. Perhaps without intending to, I had minimized the emotional trauma I experienced and set it aside. And of course, that is never a good idea. Setting aside trauma and not taking the courses of action to heal it, will only worsen it. I talked to a friend recently and her words stuck with me: “Vanessa you might have seen a man die right in front of you. You saw hundreds of dead bodies on the street as a child. You lost your home with you stuck in it. You lost people close to you. That is some deep trauma. Have grace on yourself. You set this trauma aside for years, do not be harsh on yourself when it takes time to heal.”
Resolving the unresolved is an essential step, but can certainly be hard. I am no expert. In fact, I am struggling with the effects of unresolved trauma today as I am writing this. But, there are some ways to begin addressing and healing the trauma so it does not put a strain on your relationships and life overall:
Understand trauma and its effects + Accept love from others and yourself. If we do not truly grasp and recognize how our trauma is affecting our daily habits, emotions and relationships, it is hard to tackle the trauma and prevent it from affecting these aspects of our lives. Also, do your research on how powerful the mind is and the recovery process, whether it be by reading books regarding these topics or talking to a therapist to see what current behaviors in your life may be related to a traumatic event.
In my own personal experience, panic attacks and anxiety that have stemmed from trauma, have affected my daily relationships. Its effect is seen in how I perceive my own worth when they witness these struggles, and that can lead to self-sabotage. It can be common for us who have panic attacks to believe that we are unworthy or unable to maintain relationships if those in our circle witness a panic attack. But we have to remind ourselves that we are worthy of being loved with our struggles, not in spite of them. We do not need people to look past our mental health issues to love us. When we make our mental health struggles something to be loved in spite of, we enable the perfect breeding ground for shame. It makes us feel as if we are not enough because we deal with these issues.
Recognize triggers and share them. The former is essential to stepping outside of the emotional response. Especially when experiencing panic attacks, we need to ground ourselves by recognizing triggers and sharing them with people that were present without placing any blame.
Develop coping mechanisms. Very ironic for someone who has not mastered coping mechanisms to suggest that, right? It is. But then again, have the majority of people mastered it? Make it a priority to develop a coping mechanism that works for you, because everyone has different ways to cope, this could include the following: mindfulness meditation, breathwork, and regaining focus through physical activity. For people of faith, prayer can be powerful as well. We all come from different backgrounds and different coping mechanisms help us, but we must always be mindful of: if the mechanism we develop is healthy.