“I like him; he likes her.”
For some reason, I clearly remember sitting on the bus during my freshman year of high school and posting the quote above on Facebook. As a young freshman, I harbored a huge crush on a senior guy in my debate class. When it appeared that he liked someone else, I shut down. I started a mental list of all my weaknesses and all my insecurities. Later, during my junior year when my coworker liked a different coworker, I did something different. I listed all the reasons I thought I was better than her. Hint: neither approach made me feel any better. In fact, I felt worse.
Recently the subject of my many heart-eye emoji texts and late-night daydreaming started dating someone else. At first, I felt sad and disappointed because I had convinced myself that he maybe, possibly felt the same way as I did. (In retrospect, I admit I probably read too much into… well, everything.) Sad and disappointed, I sent “heartbroken” texts to all my closest friends, including my sister. A couple of them indulged my sadness and replied with a string of ugly-crying face emojis. The other responses… they spurred me to write this article:
“I bet you’re a lot cooler and smarter.”
“Obviously he’s stupid and blind if he can’t see how amazing you are.”
“I’m sure you’re way prettier than her, anyway.”
“Well, it’s his loss honestly.”
Although I felt loved and supported by my friends, it struck me how quickly they tore down other people in order to boost my self-esteem. While their demeaning comments about my crush irked me, I found even greater discomfort in the comments comparing me to a girl who they didn’t know.
At the same time, I cannot blame my friends for their responses. Women in America grow up surrounded by toxic media outlets that pit women against each other, whatever the circumstances. For instance, I know I have seen my fair share of “Who wore it best?” articles in US Weekly and similar tabloids.
Unfortunately, when you compare two women, you hold both of them to arbitrary standards for the “ideal woman.” This approach assumes that one woman conforms better than the other, thus devaluing both of their unique identities. Regarding romantic relationships, it can be especially easy to fall into a mindset that recognizes winners and losers. If one girl gets the guy, then she clearly has an advantage over the other, right? Wrong.
When you frame a relationship as a competition, no one wins. If I am prettier, smarter and cooler than my crush’s girlfriend, then it makes it seem like she doesn’t deserve to be happy with him. Not only that, if I am so much more “qualified” to date him, then it appears as though I did something wrong along the way when I don’t end up dating him.
Let’s stop viewing relationships as competitions. If the guy you like chooses to date someone else, let yourself be disappointed but then move on. Don’t make a list of all the reasons he chose her over you. Certainly, don’t make a list of the reasons why he should’ve chosen you instead. Accept that you’re not what he’s looking for right now and be okay with that. Just because he doesn’t want to date you doesn’t mean that no one else ever will.
In other words, it doesn’t matter how you “rank” compared to another girl. As the “loser” time and time again, I would much rather see my crush dating someone he really likes than dating me out of pity or obligation. Honestly, I think my crush and his new girlfriend work really well together, and I am happy for them. Contrary to my friends’ beliefs, I hardly think he’s stupid or blind for choosing someone else. Though I wanted a different outcome, I have made peace with the fact that he found someone who’s exactly his shade of pretty, smart and cool.
One day I will be that person for someone. Until then, however, I choose to continue strengthening my relationship with the most important person in my life: me.
Image Credits: Giphy.com, Usmagazine.com