I spent a lot of time missing you, allowing anger to escalate and consume, intermittently blaming myself. Now, I stand here today, absolutely exhausted. Trying to hate a person that I loved is draining. To my surprise, I feel ready to give up the pretense and truly move forward. Letting go never meant allowing muffled words of rage to escape my lips, evidencing how fine I am without you, or wishing you’d somehow recognize the hurt you caused. Instead, moving forward can only coincide with forgiveness.
This open letter isn’t written with one person in mind, instead, it is for all of the individuals that have somehow hurt me over the course of my life. I forgive you. I bet you were hurting too. Life can be brutal, and it has the power to leave us as better or worse. Sometimes it can make even the most level-headed lash out, cope with a new detrimental value system, or become so intense in an effort to never experience vulnerabilities again. There are many reasons why hurt people will, hurt people. These tragic stories can offer an explanation as to why somebody has caused an individual pain. However, I no longer feel the need to understand the ones who repeatedly hurt me. I don’t need to understand because the reason cannot change the fact that I have been hurt. It cannot change their unwillingness to change. Instead of waiting for the change of heart that may never happen, I choose to release these individuals.
I no longer crave a new way to see the situation and understand your actions in an attempt to make the world seem a little bit less cruel. You are not a cruel person, and I do believe that your intentions were pure. For this, I am sorry. I am sorry for the experiences that you have undergone that made you lash out in the way that you did. I am sorry that you lost people because of the way your tragedies made you react and project your pain onto others. I am so sorry that two friends who loved each other had to lose everything. I hope that life becomes less trying for you, that you will one day find yourself again and remember how to love.
Until you love and forgive others, you cannot love yourself. Perhaps we both have a lot to learn from each other. In this recognition, I would also like to thank you. When you left, I learned that I could survive and saw all of the loved ones that would never do just that. Your verbal attacks forced me to learn that I have a right to my anger and that it is okay to speak up for myself. Each time you expressed disappointment in my choices, I became more confident in who I am by mastering the ability of separating my emotions from yours. Loving you hurt me, but it also strengthened me and helped me grow. I still love you and will never forget the times we mended each other rather than inevitably hurt the other. I am better for knowing you, and for that I am truly grateful.
I recognize your humanity, even through the pain that you have caused me and others. You are somewhere else right now, so far away and distanced by too much time to return. The situation has ended. I have healed, and I forgive you.