Epiphanies sometimes have odd ways of making themselves known to us. I’ve learned that lesson many times, but it’s especially weird when it hits as I’m listening to a song— and it’s my own song.
Two years ago, I wrote an album. This was a huge accomplishment for me as a songwriter and came at one of the most trying times in my life. Amidst my parents divorce, a breakup, and all of the fun young adult angst fueling traumas you can imagine, I sought solace within music. I had been writing for years, but songs were suddenly flooding from me as though a dam burst. So with the help of my friends, I created a project called Eunoia— which means a well being of mind— and began a journey toward self growth, the music helping me parse through the bees swarming in my head.
This eventual album, which we titled Traces of Blue, tackles a range of experiences and emotions that I was facing amidst several massive changes in my life. The songs were introspective and reactionary, so while some emotions aren’t as prevalent or even addressed, these songs still serve as snapshots I visit from time to time. On Monday, however, I found new meaning within one of these snapshots and it hit me like a wave.
“A Beautiful Thought” was our compositional love letter to mewithoutYou, but written in our own voice. I derived the lyrics from a poem written several months before the project began, when I first decided to pursue a journey toward self growth. The bridge of this song is a declarative plea, begging to lodge itself into the forefront of your mind: “If I and I could decide, we’d find the strength to divide.”
It’s a fun little lyric and when I wrote the poem, it flowed so naturally, but I never understood why. Chalking it up to general introspection, I shrugged the feeling off and let people read it however they wished. Our friends loved it and always wanted to hear the song live, but it took such a toll on me and I never understood why, until Monday, that is.
I sometimes revisit Traces, listening all the way though. I don’t do this as an ego boost (because lol, what ego?), but it’s nice to reconnect with work that helped me in beneficial ways. Arriving at “A Beautiful Thought,” I chuckled at my vocal performance and reminisced of time spent recording vocals. The bridge sounded off and I closed my eyes, listening closely to the repeated “if I and I could decide, we’d find the strength to divide,” each repetition growing in intensity until I screamed and fireworks sparked in my head.
I found myself ruminating the recent developments in my gender identity: the confusion, the release, the fear, and the words rang louder and louder in my head. Then it hit: this song was not simply an introspective battle cry, but a plea for help. The closing section of the song only strengthened this as my words screamed for understanding. I sought to truly understand my identity, but wasn’t listening to the voice which was trying to help me. My rage and sadness, it wasn’t positioned to the emotions themselves but to my psyche for not focussing on my needs.
As unexpected as this epiphany was, I am beyond thankful for it. It was a true privilege to connect with my writing after years of feeling exhausted from that particular song. It feels as though an enormous weight is off of my shoulders and I’ve achieved a sense of peace.
If you’re curious to hear the song, or read the lyrics, it can be found here: https://eunoiabandpa.bandcamp.com/track/a-beautiful-thought