Breakups can be a touchy subject. It’s something uncomfortable that almost every young person goes through, regardless of who ended it, why it ended, or whether it was an official relationship or a fling that fizzled out. Sometimes you lose your best friend, and that’s an entirely different kind of heartbreak. Relationships are beautiful, wonderful, and shouldn’t be feared due to the potential of it ending, but if it does, here are some of the most helpful things to keep in mind and practice during this tough time of transition.
Give yourself space from them.
Don’t jump into talking to them regularly or continue to bicker about why it ended directly after the breakup. Give yourself space and time to remind yourself what it was like to exist without that person in your life and create a new daily routine. Until that’s established, it’s probably not a good idea to include them in it. The whole point of the breakup was that one or both parties wanted to stop being a part of the other’s daily life. Allow the breakup to actually be a breakup.
Find one or two people you can tell everything to and will stick around through every up and down.
It’s easy to touch on the surface level of the breakup with a lot of people, but having one or two people that are really in your corner is essential. These are the people that will be with you through the initial wave of emotions and months down the line, when you’re having a random moment where you need to talk about and process it. Often times breakups are complex and rarely one-dimensional, and having someone with whom you can process every little detail of the situation is the biggest lifesaver. They’re there through thick and thin, and you know you can trust them with anything you need to share. They’ll never judge you for how you feel, regardless of whether it’s been one month or six months. It’s also important to keep the private details out of the public because even though it ended, it was still a relationship between two people. The whole world doesn’t need, or have the right, to know exactly what happened.
Don’t feel rushed to do all the “housekeeping” items right away.
Right after the breakup, don’t feel like you need to rush to take down every picture with them and change your Facebook status to single. In this day and age, pictures and statuses are more tangible than ever, and deleting them can seem like too much all at once. Just because this person isn’t in your life anymore doesn’t mean that at one point they weren’t a significant part of it, and adjusting to that is difficult enough as it is. Be patient with yourself and do things on your timeline, not anyone else’s. It’s also okay to not delete things off of your social media. This person was a big part of your life and played a significant role in it for a long time, and keeping those memories is valid as well.
Understand that the healing process is never a straight line.
You’re going to have days where you feel like the breakup was the best thing to ever happen to you, and days where you feel like you’ve lost all the progress you’ve made. Don’t take these setbacks as permanent, and know that just because you’re feeling upset about it again doesn’t mean that all the progress you’ve made is invalid. Your feelings are valid and “getting over it” is hardly ever a steady incline of continually feeling better, so don’t expect to never have a bad day just because the breakup happened three months ago.
Never act impulsively.
It can be tempting to reach out to the other person if something comes up or you miss them terribly all of a sudden. While those feelings are totally valid, they do not always require a response. One of the most profound realizations I came upon was that not every action requires a reaction, and sitting with your feelings before acting is a great tool. While reaching out to the person in your past isn’t objectively bad, waiting a day before you act upon any desire to communicate is smart and tends to help differentiate between lonely impulses and actual desire for communication with a purpose.
Make two lists.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to make two lists. The first list was full of things I didn’t like about the past relationship or partner. Don’t hold anything back and go into detail about every little thing that bothered you. Don’t show this list to people, but keep it to yourself when you need reminders on why the past should remain in the past. Secondly, write a list of things you like about yourself and things that you feel you do well in relationships. This will give you the confidence boost you need and will remind you of all the things you have learned so far in relationships that you can then carry over to your next one to make it is even better than your last.
Don’t stalk them on social media.
Comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s so easy to make it look like you have the best life ever on social media; we all do it. Unfollowing or blocking someone isn’t rude, it’s self-care. The other person shouldn’t have to creep into every part of your new life. You can re-follow them when you’re ready, but until then, keep them off of your apps.
Let yourself feel all the emotions.
You’ll probably feel angry, sad, in denial, happy, and everything in between. All of these emotions are completely valid and deserve to be felt! Don’t feel bad for feeling angry or upset one day and sad the next. The more fully you experience each of these emotions, the better you’ll feel after you’ve moved past that stage.
Write letters…but don’t send them.
If it’s been a bit of time since you’ve last communicated with your past significant other, chances are there are things you’d like to say to them that you never got to say in person. Whether it’s an angry “I can’t believe you did this,” or an optimistic “I’m letting you go,” getting the thoughts out of your head and onto paper is one of the most therapeutic things you can do for yourself.
Be optimistic.
It’s easier said than done, but you will be happy again. You will fall in love again. You won’t be sad forever, and you aren’t taking longer than everyone else to get over it. Every relationship is different and every person is different, and you are going to be just fine. If you were happy before this person came into your life, then you can for sure be happy after them. Ultimately, your life shouldn’t center around one person or one relationship, and being single can be the biggest blessing in disguise! You get to focus all the energy you put into your significant other into the many other flourishing areas of your life. Take this time to reach out to old friends, start working out again, or focusing on getting involved in what’s happening on campus. Your breakup doesn’t have to break you, and I’m certain that it won’t.