*This is a sensitive topic, one that many people will either agree with me or majorly disagree with me and that’s fine. We all have our beliefs and our opinions and in this case, well, I’m giving my opinion and perspective.
October is a rough month for my family and I because eight years ago, on the 26th of October my grandmother passed away. Coping with her loss has been hard and this month my mind becomes foggy, and my motivation to do anything gets lost. I end up napping in my room in hopes that I’ll be able to communicate with her through my dreams. Not much luck so far.
Today is the 28th, and my family and I went to mass as always to celebrate her life and as I look around me, I can’t help but feel a tad bit uncomfortable. As disrespectful as that sounds, I’m actually trying NOT to be disrespectful at all. I respect my family’s belief that they should always celebrate our passed loved ones at church.
But sitting there not participating made me feel like I was already disrespecting the house of God. I shouldn’t be there because I don’t believe in it. Therefore I should not be there disrespecting his home and taking a seat from someone who could’ve been there instead.
I stopped believing many years ago, shortly after my grandmother’s death. I was a kid and I kept asking why? Why take her away right now? Where is she? I prayed every day and every night waiting for someone to answer me, waiting for a sign… but I didn’t receive anything and that’s when I lost hope and decided to step away from religion. Of course, as I grew older and learned more about religion I stood firmly in my belief to not be religious anymore. I didn’t see the need for it anymore and that is MY choice. This choice doesn’t make me an immoral person nor does it make me a satanist as many people believe. That’s ridiculous if you instantly jump to that conclusion.
Boy, did my choice of belief backfire on me. I’m always called the atheist or the person who is going to burst up in flames. I am constantly judged for not believing, but I don’t ever really disrespect my family in their belief. Rather, I don’t care what they are as long as they don’t force it down my throat, which they constantly do. That’s where I feel like it crosses the line. At times I get questioned if I truly love my grandmother whenever I don’t want to go to mass or say a prayer which makes me upset. I don’t need to talk to God to love and miss my grandmother. I miss her every single day and God has nothing to do with that. What was once something that as a kid made me believe that this will give me peace, causes me to feel like I’m being controlled and restricted and that’s what I felt at church today. It was an unfortunate feeling, one that made me want to run right out of there because I knew that that wasn’t my place to be. I’m not going to sing the songs and I’m not going to stand. My family sees this as a sign of protest, but I’m not THAT much of a rebellious kid like I once was. I simply don’t think it’s right for me to do so when I’m agnostic and not Catholic.
My grandmother knows that my love for her is never ending. Some family doesn’t seem to quite get that though. I feel like that to get to my grandmother’s love, I have to get through god first and that is the barrier that my family likes to place. Love should surpass anything in my opinion, even God. God may be love to some and love may be God to others, and that’s their belief, that’s great but for me, I have my own beliefs and my own happiness and that should just be as valid too.