I joined a sorority primarily to make friends and to help make this massive university feel smaller because, frankly, I was overwhelmed the beginning of freshman year. The whole social aspect was just an added perk that I felt I could potentially benefit from, and HONESTLY, it HAS worked out so well! I love the girls I’ve met, and I feel like I do belong to something… But sometimes I find myself exhausted by the pressure that comes with going out as a single girl. Don’t get me wrong, its extremely fun to play loud music and get ready with my roommates. But there’s always that nagging feeling in my tummy…
Am I pretty enough to be desirable?
Do I even want to be desired by these people?
Don’t I want more than this?
Being single in a fraternity or sorority doesn’t make you an outlier or unique: you are a definite member of the majority. I actually think most people enjoy being single in this community because there’s such a large emphasis placed on hookup culture. A relationship would just get in the way of all that. Yet, I also believe that that emphasis can turn into an uncomfortable pressure which could possibly be alleviated by being in an exclusive relationship (there are so many possible variations of a “relationship” in Greek life). It’s impossible for there to be no exceptions to this, but for the most part, if you aren’t single you aren’t pursued. I, of course, can only speak to what it’s like being a single girl in a sorority.
(image credit- Getty Images)
There are unspoken, but largely apparent expectations placed on girls who do choose to go out. The assumption is never that you want to have a fun night dancing with your friends: you are obviously there to find someone for the night. You’re not there for you, you’re there for them. As someone who doesn’t belong to anyone, I am automatically considered fair game, which can sometimes be a lot to handle. I’m definitely not saying that every single girl is come onto tirelessly with her disinterest ignored. I am also definitely not saying that I feel objectified or uncomfortable every time I go out, I most certainly do not.
For the most part, I feel pretty safe and have fun. It does, however, create a weird internal tension (at least for me). I don’t even know if I want to be in a relationship, but I certainly don’t want to be considered a casual hookup for the rest of my time in college. BUT at the same time, I’m not putting on a full face of makeup and tight black jeans for myself. Because I’m single, in a sorority, and occasionally go out, I must be down, and I often find myself perpetuating this assumption. I honestly don’t know how to stop perpetuating it, other than to be in a relationship. In my head, that’s one of the only true escapes from hookup culture without leaving the Greek life community completely.
The problem with that is that most people aren’t looking to be in a relationship right now, myself included (I think). I’m 19 and busier than I’ve ever been. Most of my free time is taken up by sleeping, or completely disappears when I realize there’s basically no such thing as free time when you’re a student at this university: there is always something that should probably get done.
Moral of the story: I’m not really sure I could healthily add a boy and a relationship to my list of priorities right now. But I would love to get rid of that weird, uncomfortable tension I mentioned earlier, and I do think about how nice being in a relationship could be. But it’s hard to know if those daydreams are just motivated by an underlying sense of self preservation and imagining what it would be like for that pressure to stop weighing me down, or an actual want to be with someone.
Greek life isn’t that big of a community to begin with, and most people only interact in an even smaller circle within. This means you pretty much see the same groups of guys every weekend. This can lead to a whole other kind of tension between the single boys and girls.
Are we talking or are we flirting?
Are we friends or is it a front to make a move?
It’s hard to make actual friendships, so relationships within Greek life seem almost unattainable unless you skip the whole friends thing right of the bat. I might sound like I’m being over dramatic or creating a problem when there really isn’t one. Yet my friends and I do talk about these things (we like to call it debriefing and it usually takes place at an extremely early hour on Saturday nights) and it’s not just an issue that I see… the sad truth is that a lot of girls feel the same way.
We’re just not sure what to do about it.