If my thoughts could speak I think they would scare people away that’s why they stay thoughts and don’t become words. My mind races a mile a minute and the thoughts build-up and the feelings get louder and harder to pretend to ignore. But I keep my mouth shut and push them down “no one wants to hear that” I think.
My mind is a dark place right now. It has been that way for a while, for almost as long as I can remember. It is a dark, cold, and unforgiving place that I lay my head down to at night and wake with as the sun rises. My thoughts are with me constantly, but when I come to think of it my thoughts are the only constant in my life. Sure they tear me down, rip me to bits and tell me I’m worthless but at least they never leave.
I have found myself in so many moments of hopelessness lately and my heart hurts for all the people finding themselves in the same place too. We are all living in a world right now that holds so many unknowns. There is this feeling of loss and longing that we find in our hearts. It is the kind of pain that doesn’t leave. The kind of pain that just sits in your chest making your heartache, keeping you up at night.
I just want to reach out and grab onto something for dear life and never let go. But it feels as though everything is in free fall right now and I just can’t hang on. I want the touch of my friends’ hugs and the gentle warmth that comes with the safety of their presence. I have been through many twists, turns, and winding roads to get to the moment in time that I am today. I met and found true compassion and beauty in the hearts and souls of people. But I am still searching for my forever home. But I am away from that now, far away because my friends are my home.
So all I am left with is my own thoughts and sometimes I feel as though they are eating me alive and that I will never resurface. The days roll by like crashing tidal waves but yet somehow I am still here. How am I still here?
I have always heard about self-love and how it can change a person’s life and bring them from their lowest points, their rock bottoms and allow them to rise from those points like a phoenix from its ashes to a place of love and safety in themselves. But for me in my mind, it feels as though that kind of love will never be within my grasp.
In this time where there’s a lot of loneliness and insecurity, love may be the most powerful ability we hold in ourselves to counter the overwhelming fear. But what if I don’t love myself or even like myself? I still have love and I want all human beings to know that they are loved. I love hard and I care hard and once you have a place in my heart I will never let go, even if it hurts.
It is in these trying times that it is important to realize our strengths and what we have to offer ourselves and to the world. Although we may not be able to physically go and help those who are hurting and hug those we love. Love still exists and can remain strong, it is powerful that way. I can share my love with others and let everyone know that they matter and they have a place in this world. I can show my love by staying at home right now to protect those who are working to protect us.
Thoughts aren’t always the truth as our minds can be deceiving and influential but if you were to put your thoughts in another’s mind do you think that they would see you the way that you do? Sometimes the truth is scary but it can also be beautiful. It is all from the perspective of each person but sometimes it takes a listening heart rather than just a listening ear to understand the care others have for you even if you don’t love yourself, yet.
I want my thoughts to have a voice but it is fear that is holding me back. I am still growing and learning every day, some days are harder than others and I feel as though all the progress I have made has somehow vanished. But I am trying and that is all that I would ever ask of someone else, so I have to try hard to believe that’s all I could ever ask of myself.
If my thoughts could speak I would want them to share that love comes in all different ways and that you can grow into love it is not just something you are born with or born into. Your mind is your home and it’s okay if it is hurting just remember to reach out and hold on to some of that love as it can bind us all together even if we are apart.
you matter, try and hold on to that. much love,
mads