Many people have begun to do very productive things during quarantine. Some people have taken up new hobbies like cooking, art or knitting. Others have created new habits such as meditation or exercise. For them, it is beneficial to try new things and keep a well balanced schedule. Others have found this time to be very stressful and difficult to maintain a safe and healthy habit while being stuck at home. I am one of the latter. I exercised for three days before I lost the motivation to continue. I am, however, still calorie counting and that is going well. After years of ridicule and comments about my body, I have finally decided to stop listening and take my confidence back. I have always been torn down by comments about my body and they always hurt, but now I have decided to just listen and let it be. What quarantine has become for me is a time for me not to change myself.
I have always had stretch marks. I developed really fast and grew quikcly and my body and skin stretched. I have had those stretch marks for years and always have hated them. Stretch marks are caused by the skin growing or stretching too fast for skin cells to regenerate. They cannot be removed. They can be faded but they wil always be there. I have had two surgery scars on my lower abdomen since I was six months old. I accepted that they were there and have never thought bad of them. Yet, my stretch marks only a couple of inches always are the things I hate the most. I am now beginning to accept them and acknowledging that they are there.
I also have fat in new places that they weren’t in before. I noticed it around my thighs first. Honestly it doesn’t bother me, because I know I actually have very strong and muscular legs. Even if I have a little fat on me, I can still run a mile, chase my dog or get in on a round of kickball. I love my legs. They look amazing in heels. They are long, tanned and jiggly. I appreciate them for doing their job and keeping me mobile even through all the old soccer injuries I put them through. There is also fat on my arms and my stomach. It is hard for me still to accept my stomach fat and muffin top, but I am getting there. It’s hard looking at my side and my stomach pokes out more than my butt. Still, that is how I always have been.
There are plenty of things that I love about my body. I love my eyes. They are dark and brooding but kind and simple. I love my cheeks and the way they look when I blush. I love my dimples because they poke out right on the sides of my cheeks. I love my nails because they are so strong and healthy now. I love my hair. I have worked so hard to get it healthy and shiny and it finally is and it is growing more everyday. My hair has grown four inches since August and I am happy about it. It is getting to my goal.
My body is a lot of things, but most importantly it is mine. Quarantine has given me the chance to embrace how I look. I was not able to motivate myself to start a fitness routine and that is okay because I don’t even have a normal routine. Nothing has been normal in my life all 2020. I am okay with how I look. I still look good with makeup and look good in my clothes. They fit me and I look fine in them. Like my boyfriend says, I’m squishy but I still look good. He’s right and I believe him.
It doesn’t matter how many people are filming at home workout videos. I was not comfortable working out at home as much as I am on a treadmill at the gym. It is okay to be not okay in this time because things aren’t normal. Maybe when my routines are re-established I’ll feel better going back to the gym. For now, I am working on accepting me just the way I am, even if I change it later. My body is forever changing and has changed a lot in my life. It changes, just like me. Quarantine has not motivated me to become a great chef or a fanstatic artist. I am not a CEO from home or a workout junkie. I am still the same way I have always been, just stuck at home now. I accept who I am and that quarantine isn’t going to change me. It hasn’t done anything productive for me; but I love myself all the same.
HXCO, Cecilia
