So, I got my heart broken in October. Not fun, ideal, nor something I recommend. In hindsight, the guy wasn’t even that great and I dodged a bullet, but if hindsight is 20/20, then my vision back in October was somewhere close to being legally blind. Stacking this right on top of the isolation of a global pandemic and midterm season right around the corner, you could find me curled up in a cocoon of blankets in the bedroom of my childhood home, only coming out to cringe at my teary-eyed reflection in the bathroom mirror.
I’m lucky enough to have a great support system, but personally, when I’m nursing a fresh wound, I don’t really like to have a lot of people prodding and poking at it and I’d rather initially deal with it on my own. So there I was, at four o’clock in the morning, unable to sleep, crying (again!) while putting together a Spotify playlist called “I deserve all good things” (featuring key hits from Hannah Montana, Ariana Grande, and, of course, Kelly Clarkson). Huh, I thought. It’s true. I do deserve all good things.
Like anyone does in delirium before the sun rises, I opened a new Google Doc on my laptop and began to make a list: A Manifesto of Things That I Deserve. Emboldened and underlined twice.
Here, I made a bulleted list of things that I deserve, and, implicitly, did not deserve, and I’m not talking about relationship deal breakers or physical or personality-related characteristics that I’m looking for in a partner. I made a list of the things that I deserve in every relationship, whether it be one of romance, friendship, or family. It also applies to my relationship with me– how I treat myself through the good and bad.
In some ways, it was the easiest list I’d ever written. In many ways, it was the hardest. Some things were just pointing out the obvious, but others were more self-confrontational, like an admission of guilt in the poor ways that I see and treat myself. I won’t spell out all 12 initial bullet points here because they’re unique to me and my situation, and I added a lot of comments that apply to my own values. But here are some basic key points that I think every person should have on their list:
I deserve solid ground. (You’re too valuable for someone to play with your emotions).
I deserve to experience true, undeniable, no-asterisk happiness. (I think this one might be my favourite).
I deserve others who are actively working on themselves. (Nobody is perfect, but everybody has the opportunity to grow. I need to actively work on myself, too).
I deserve someone who appreciates all the love I give them. (Enough said!).
I deserve to realize that I am more than good enough for the effort. (It’s true!).
The night that I finished the list, I printed it out and folded it into a little square that I kept tucked between the pages of my journal. So, whenever I wanted to furiously rant about my feelings or try to make excuses for whatever relationship issue I was experiencing, I unfolded the list and made myself read it from top to bottom. Eventually, the margins were covered in handwritten notes and the paper extremely creased from all the folding and unfolding, and I had every point memorized. I even made a photocopy to keep in my wallet.
Do you remember that famous quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower? “We accept the love we think we deserve.” There is no doubt in my mind that writing this list made me realize that I couldn’t accept love until I knew what I deserved, just like Logan Lerman feeling infinite while driving through a tunnel. I don’t magically adhere to every point on the list – I still struggle to do what’s best for me – but its very existence not only became a starting point but also a progression of growth.
Why did I write this list? It wasn’t just because of the heartbreak, though that was the initial reason. I wrote it because it’s so easy to forget your worth and what you deserve in the face of terrible experiences. In my personal life, the list became more than size 12 Arial font on a piece of printer paper – it evolved into a reminder that no, I don’t just deserve the bare minimum. I deserve so much more than that, and that’s not something to make concessions on. It’s a list of ways to love myself and care for my own wellbeing.
So, I encourage you to write your own list. Know what you deserve. Because if anyone deserves better, it’s you.