I’ll be the first to admit that I’m needy; nothing makes me feel better than being surrounded by the people I love and being dogpiled with doting and affection. Yet, as of these COVID-stricken times, starting from about a year back, I couldn’t help but realize how dramatically my mood was altered by the reality that I really had to be alone. At times, it felt like I was forced to watch over myself like a babysitter, entertain myself for the meanwhile and distract myself from thinking too hard about my loneliness. I recognized that my dependent behavior was costing me the most important relationship I could ever have in my life – my relationship with myself. Sometimes it’s hard to identify a bad habit like dependency, but once you do, it’s the first step to fostering more self-worth, and more importantly, self-love.
Why are we so reliant on other people to lift our spirits?
More often than not, emotional dependency stems from the repression of other feelings a person may have, such as anxiety, depression or heartbreak, amongst several others. When these “undesirable” feelings are not healthily coped with, one can look to others around them for approval or distraction, and in turn, gain a sense of happiness. Always relying on others’ presence and their acceptance of you can be extremely detrimental to your growth, and even though it’s helpful to have support from loved ones, you should not use people as crutches. I know that it’s easier said than done, and learning to be comfortable alone can be challenging (and even a little painful), but balance is key! The road to appreciating your own company is not necessarily the easiest, but it’s always worth it in the long-run.
In what ways can we build interdependence?
Finding positive ways to handle your emotions is a good start. Have you ever tried meditation before? No? Well, now is a great time to start! Meditation goes beyond sitting cross-legged and humming like movies and shows depict. You should aim to free yourself of self-judgment during this time to become aware of your mental state. It takes a lot of practice to focus on your breathing while looking at your mind from a different perspective simultaneously, but that’s okay. Meditating is like working out your mental muscles – the more you do it, the easier it will become.
If you’re not in the market to meditate, writing in a journal to work out your thoughts and repeating lovely mantras to yourself at the beginning of the day can really help you feel more at peace with yourself. Try mantras like, “I am deserving of happiness,” “I can be alone and feel fine,” “All of my decisions are my own” or “I have power over my thoughts and emotions.” When you genuinely believe that you are in control of your happiness, you can stop relying on others for it.
Looking for fun ways to pass the time helps tremendously, too. If we’ve learned anything during quarantine, it’s that taking up a hobby can change your life. Take a day to yourself to try something you’ve never done before, and do it with full confidence! Even if you find something as small as learning TikTok dances in the mirror or learning how to bake bread, the best part of you could be hiding behind something you’ve never tried. It can be easier to appreciate yourself when you put your energy into an activity you’re interested in; discovering new skills or building on current ones can help you to see the potential in enjoying your own company and your capabilities.
Ultimately, you don’t have to drop everyone you know to enjoy your own company. The harmful part of being reliant on other people is believing that their presence can dictate your quality of life. It’s okay to want to hang out with your friends, spend a lazy weekend with your partner, or generally have a good time with other people.
Just remember: you deserve to love yourself and enjoy your time alone.