Nostalgia lets us be who we can never be again… and maybe that’s ok
I water my Basil plant and place it by the window even though I know it is likely dead. It has survived so many times before; I hope it will come back to life again. I didn’t even notice it was almost dead until an hour ago, but I don’t want to lose it; it has made my still partially empty student apartment feel like a functioning home.
My time in university has turned me into an instrument of personal nostalgia. I cling to objects and old memories which, like my basil plant, feel like home. Conversations with old friends have become riddled with “remember when”, and half-recalled stories which will one day soon become myths to us too. Being halfway through my third year, even my newer friends have become the subjects of past recollections. This is a feeling that I know is common, but which I feel is especially amplified now. With my final year inching closer and friends seeming to move further away, the approaching newness of my environment leads me to want to hold on to what I used to know.
The word nostalgia comes from Greek: nostos and algos. Literally meaning return and pain. The idea of ‘Nostalgia’ started as a diagnosis for homesick Swiss soldiers in the 1600s but has since evolved to encapsulate everyone’s homesickness for a past time. Nostalgia is now even used as a marketing scheme, one that plays on our fond memories of simpler times in an attempt to sell us what we probably don’t need. Vinyl. Low-rise jeans. Blue eyeshadow. All examples of our seemingly human need to buy things to affirm who we are and to physically possess what has shaped us.
Nostalgia can have a real influence on the relationships we create with ourselves and others. In a 2022 study published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Couples who practiced “romantic nostalgia”, reflecting on their relationship with their partner, seemed to have higher satisfaction, love and commitment in their relationships. Nostalgia can be seen as a way to affirm one’s care for another person and maintain the meaning that is held between individuals in relationships of any kind. I think many would argue that nostalgia is crucially important in all relationships and that events like birthdays and anniversaries are just another way to cement our nostalgia with other people. Nostalgia serves as proof that we care.
Reflecting on past memories of happiness can help us feel grounded and realize how far we have come in our personal journeys and relationships. But focusing on these ideas too much can also be harmful and take us away from forming meaningful connections and creating new nostalgic experiences in the present. A study conducted in the European Journal of Social Psychology detailed how those already experiencing stress or depression can feel these emotions more when ruminating on the past. Constantly striving for something that we have already achieved seems pointless, and trying to live entirely in a nostalgic idealization of the past is too. While reflecting on nostalgic memories can serve as a way for all of us to find comfort in a constantly changing environment, I have come to realize the necessity of finding comfort in the present. Finding ways to make myself feel at home in this environment where I seem to constantly wish I could go back to who I was last year.
Sure, I still listen to the music I loved in high school because it reminds me of early morning streetcar rides. I make the dinners my mom used to make, and I go to the same parks I have been to hundreds of times because I miss the friends I used to walk through them with.
But I also have found other ways to ground myself and make memories that will become nostalgic for me one day too. I go on long walks through different neighbourhoods, I try new cafes, and I watch documentaries that I would never think to watch because, at the end of the day, the most important nostalgic relationship you must cultivate is not going to come from buying your 2010s decor; it’s going to come from your relationship with yourself.
Go ahead and cultivate your basil plant, but don’t forget to sit by that window yourself once in a while!