Edited by: Leila Hanly
During University everyone is searching for what feels right: the right degree, the right career, the right friends, and, of course, the right relationship. When you’re surrounded by peers who have already found “the one,” a relationship may appear as just another milestone to achieve, and you may wish to achieve it as quickly as possible.
But when this happens, how do you know whether you’ve found a perfect match or are simply avoiding the embarrassment of being alone?
University relationships can be exciting; you meet someone in class, at a party, or through mutual friends, and suddenly, you’re imagining a future with this stranger. Maybe the conversations flow effortlessly, the chemistry is undeniable, or you feel like you’ve finally found someone who understands you. But sometimes, the person we initially connect with isn’t the person we ultimately need, and when we’re caught up in the excitement of being wanted, it can be difficult to recognize the difference.
When being chosen beats choosing.
It’s easy to convince ourselves that a relationship is worth pursuing simply because someone is interested in us. When someone gives us attention, compliments our appearance, or makes us feel desirable, the validation can be exciting. For a moment, we feel attractive, confident, and reassured that someone sees something special in us. But when our self-worth becomes tied to how someone else treats us, our confidence can begin to depend on whether they continue to give us that attention.
This is particularly difficult in situationships, where the relationship is undefined and expectations are unclear. You might spend weeks or months wondering where you stand, analyzing messages, or convincing yourself that inconsistent attention means they secretly care. Instead of asking whether this person meets your needs, you start asking whether you’re doing enough to make them choose you. You tolerate uncertainty because having some connection feels better than having none at all.
Wanting to feel loved and desired is completely normal. The problem arises when we begin accepting less than we truly want because we’re afraid that asking for more will leave us with nothing.
Someone’s interest in you is not proof of your worth, and their inability to commit does not make you any less deserving of love.
You’re not behind. Don’t settle for less.
By a certain age, you may feel heavy pressure to have your romantic life figured out. When friends start entering serious relationships, posting anniversary pictures, or talking about their futures together, being single can start to feel like falling behind. Even when we’re enjoying our independence, we may wonder whether we’re missing out or whether our standards are simply too high.
This mindset can make an average relationship seem better than no relationship at all. Maybe you overlook a lack of emotional maturity, excuse behaviour that bothers you, or convince yourself that your expectations are unrealistic. You might even tell yourself that nobody is perfect, which is true, but there is a difference between accepting someone’s imperfections and ignoring your own needs.
Having standards doesn’t mean expecting a flawless partner; it means understanding what matters to you, whether that’s emotional availability, respect, communication, or shared values. You shouldn’t have to convince yourself that someone is right for you simply because they’re available, and you certainly don’t need to enter a relationship to prove that you’re desirable, mature, or to “keep up” with everyone else.
What happens when you outgrow the relationship you created in your head?
Sometimes, the hardest relationships to leave are the ones that once seemed full of potential. You meet someone and genuinely believe you’ve found a connection worth pursuing. You enjoy their company, share personal experiences, and imagine what a relationship could become. But as time passes, you begin to feel neglected. Conversations become less meaningful, effort becomes inconsistent, or you realize that you’re emotionally investing in someone who isn’t meeting you halfway.
It can be difficult to let go because you’re not only grieving the person, but you’re grieving the possibility of what the relationship could’ve been. You remember the early conversations, the excitement, and the moments that made you believe this person was different. You might keep waiting for that version of them to return, hoping that if you are patient enough, things will eventually become what you imagined.
But potential is not the same as character. Someone can be a good person and still not be the right person for you. You can share chemistry without sharing the same expectations, and you can care about someone without feeling fulfilled in the relationship. Recognizing this doesn’t mean the connection was fake or that you wasted your time; it means you’ve learned more about what you need.
Choosing yourself doesn’t mean giving up on love.
Letting go of someone you’ve built a deep connection with can be uncomfortable, especially when you’ve become attached to the attention, companionship, or emotional support that person provides. It may mean confronting loneliness, rebuilding your confidence, or learning to manage difficult emotions without relying on someone else’s reassurance. But these experiences can also help you understand yourself more clearly.
Instead of asking whether someone likes you enough to pursue a relationship, ask yourself whether you genuinely like the person they are. Do you feel respected? Can you communicate your needs without fearing they’ll disappear? Are you happy with the relationship as it exists now, rather than the version you hope it will become? These questions shift the focus from being chosen to making your own choices.
You don’t need to settle for someone just because your friends are in relationships, because you’re tired of dating, or because you’re worried that your opportunity for love is passing you by. University is a time of growth, and the person you are at eighteen may want something entirely different from the person you become at twenty-two. You’re allowed to change your mind, recognize incompatibility, and walk away from something that no longer feels right.
The goal isn’t to find someone who chooses you; it’s to build a life in which you can choose someone because they add to it, not because you need them to feel complete.