“Tough love” is often considered the mark of a “girl’s girl.” And it’s not like that’s a bad thing! Everyone wants friends who will advocate for them, even if it means saying things they don’t want to hear. This is especially needed when it comes to matters of the heart.
We all remember when Miranda went off on Carrie in the “Sex and the City” movie for even considering getting back with Big. And I myself have been guilty of similar blowups. I just didn’t understand: why were my friends, who were (and are!) so beautiful, talented and intelligent, losing sight of that for people who don’t value them? Why didn’t they see themselves the way I did?
…But there’s a right and wrong way to remind your friends they’re worth more, and it’s not a one-size fits all. In the words of Ted Lasso: “all people are different people.” And different people have different needs! As I’ve learned these past few years, those dramatic “for the greater good” blowups? Not really my style. And I think it’s a common trap!
A lot of the time, our desperation for our friends to want better for themselves manifests as frustration or anger. And while that can help some people, it’s important to not position ourselves as an authoritative figure over our friends. It’s also important to consider: I know that I’m saying it to get through to my friend, but my friend might just take it as another person trying to tell her what to do.
For me, a lot of it came down to trying to find my “role.” You know how every sitcom friend group has different archetypes? The “smart one,” the “romantic,” so on and so forth. It was kind of like that: if I didn’t have experience in a certain area, maybe my role as a friend was the “voice of reason.”
But… what does “keeping it real” really mean?
It quickly can turn into being mean under the guise of being “real,” and that’s never a good foundation for a friendship. Actually, it’s more likely to alienate people, and make your friends not want to tell you things. It’ll feel more like you’re a parent they’re afraid to get a lecture from. The last thing I ever want to do is make people feel like I’m judging them — especially when all I want to do is remind them how awesome they are.
If your friend is already in a bad place, telling them they’re making bad decisions is delicate: they probably already feel stupid. Why would you add to that self-perception instead of building them back up?
And I recognize that some people need that blunt honesty, but that’s not the miracle cure for a friend who’s down on their luck!
Sometimes, if I really have that urge to tell someone they’re not making the best decision, I’ll just ask what they want from me. My friends have probably lost count of how many times I’ve asked: “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to hear you?”
That’s done wonders for my friendships, because it opens the door for them to make a choice. Sometimes, the best conversations are just saying: “Yeah, that sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
People don’t always need advice. People don’t always want it! (Especially if they know you might be right, it might not be what they want to hear.)
People are complicated; we can’t expect everyone to have it right all the time.
I’m sure a bunch of us spent the summer yelling at the TV because of the mess that was Melanie and Sincere. (I know — I’m sorry to remind you, but I have a point!) Hearing her mother and sister’s impassioned cries for her to remember herself, for her to ditch that metaphor-spewing man … it drove us all crazy when she didn’t!
But a lot of us have been Melanie, or have been friends with a Melanie, and it’s not our job to tell them what to do. At the end of the day, everyone’s going to make a million mistakes in life, and some people need to learn from them, as frustrating as it may be for us as their support system.
None of us know how we’re going to react when we’re vulnerable or clouded by the billion different complications that come with loving someone (romantically or platonically)! So, I think it’s important to remember the way you’d want to be treated. I imagine it would be with some empathy.
I had to make a choice: would I rather be right or be kind?
I would much rather be there when my friend needs to pick themself back up than have been cut off long ago because I wanted to be able to say “I told you so.”
We’re all just figuring it out, right? I think the world is a much better place when we pick each other up, not push each other down for not being perfect decision-makers.