If you’re on the relationship side of TikTok or Instagram, it’s most likely that you’ve heard the phrase “if he wanted to, he would”. This phrase is constantly used to help women stop lowering their standards, which on the surface sounds good, but harms both the relationship and self-confidence.
“Bare minimum”, a term that has gained traction in the past 4 years with the rise of TikTok and Instagram, is defined as the least amount of effort a person can put into a relationship. Now, reasonably, the “bare minimum” should be defined by the people in the relationship, right? Well, in the current age of the internet, these relationship-defining moments are aired out for the entire world to see. The definition of “bare minimum” now lies in what others on the internet think is acceptable for a man or woman to do in the relationship. If strangers don’t agree with what someone in the relationship is doing, then it is titled “bare minimum”, regardless of what the people who are in the relationship think. Because of this, there arose a new movement that went along with people calling out the bare minimum, called “if he wanted to, he would”.
This movement’s ultimate goal was to help women see the flaws in their relationship and raise their standards in the dating scene. The phrase is simple: if your boyfriend didn’t get you flowers for Valentine’s Day, it is simply because he didn’t care enough to get you any. I mean, “if he wanted to, he would”. While this mindset, on paper, helps rebuild women’s confidence in themselves and aim for better men, having this mindset constantly can both destroy current and future relationships.
The “if he wanted to, he would” phrase is full of flaws. It poses unrealistic standards in a relationship and always creates a scene where the person who believes this phrase plays themself as a victim. In the relationship, it puts heavy focus on the partner being able to read their minds, but relationships are heavily reliant on communication. Furthermore, a partner may not have the time to immediately think of simple gestures like flowers or handwritten notes for their partner because of the business of life; they may also not communicate their love in the same ways as their significant other, making it difficult for them to fulfill the phrase without proper communication. On the other hand, this phrase also has a huge impact on someone’s self-worth and confidence. If you’re constantly expecting the “bare minimum” and get disappointed when your partner doesn’t fulfill that “bare minimum”, it is very easy for the human brain to flip into self-blame. This self-blame changes the “if he wanted to, he would” into “he didn’t because I’m not good enough” and creates a spiral of overthinking that has a heavy impact on someone’s self-worth.
By believing this phrase, people are constantly losing confidence in both themselves and their partner. It creates a place where there is a lack of communication between partners and builds unrealistic expectations. To help both your future/current relationship and your mental well-being, stop believing this phrase and communicate your expectations.