Trigger warning dark themes related to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)Â
October Is OCD Awareness Month
Multiple times on campus, I have heard someone say “I am so OCD, omg” or “I just like to be organized, I am so OCD”, followed up with a laugh or a giggle. Maybe you have even said something like this yourself. While I assume most people do not say these things with ill intent, it minimizes what OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) actually is.Â
When I was around seven, my behavior started to change dramatically. Dealing with grief at a young age was something that unearthed these dark thoughts and repetitive behaviors I started to do. My Auntie Donna lived with me, my mother, and my father for a few years while she was battling cancer. Even though I was young, I still remember her essence. My auntie was so authentically herself. Being my father’s sister, they were raised in a traditional Italian Catholic family. You can assume I had some pretty strict expectations of how to act, how to look, how to live. Even with all these expectations, my auntie Donna would wear her long nails, which she would scratch my back with, her big earrings, and chunky, loud jewelry that I loved fidgeting with while sitting on her lap. She would speak loudly and act in ways that some people would consider “unladylike”, but she was never ever afraid to be herself. After a few years of my auntie living with us and spending almost every day with her, she eventually passed away due to multiple other health issues, including her cancer.
Dealing with grief at such a young age, my mind clawed and searched for how to cope with it all. I started noticing the dark shadow voice in the back of my head. It first started telling me horrible things. The first time I can remember was when I was getting ready for bed, and before I was about to turn my lights off, a demanding, urgent voice said, “Turn the light on and off three times or your father will die next”. I hurried to the light switch and did what it said, and a sense of relief swept over me after fulfilling the compulsion the voice made me play out. After the first instance, the voice started to get louder and worse. The “what ifs” got deeper. I would tap my foot on the top stair until it felt right; I would shut my door three times, and even have thoughts of the horrible what-ifs over and over again about different situations my brain would make up.Â
My parents started noticing the odd behavior I started doing around the house. I would delay things by fulfilling my compulsions. They asked me what I was even doing, confused by the fact that I would cry if I was not able to finish my compulsions when being stopped by one of them. One thing with my OCD that I still struggle with is saying the bad things out loud, like it will bring it to fruition if I explain it to someone else. It was extremely hard for me to tell my parts about the dark intrusive thoughts I was having. I cried so hard until my stomach hurt and I could barely breathe while explaining the thoughts to them. I thought for sure something catastrophic would happen because I told them. But after they understood, they immediately started searching for a therapist to help me.Â
I then started seeing a therapist who luckily right away saw my symptoms as OCD and anxiety due to the ruminations I was having over it. After sessions and starting medications, the symptoms started to dwindle slowly. But at one point I even had a compulsion to close my pills for my OCD for a certain amount of time(I find this hilarious looking back at it). I also started group therapy with other kids who were struggling with OCD at varying levels. It made me feel seen in my disorder and not alone with these horrible thoughts.Â
For a while, my OCD mostly went away. The voice was still in the back of my head, but I had no problem ignoring it more than 95% of the time. Until a few years ago, the voice bubbled back up stronger than ever. After my 20th birthday, a few days after I got very sick and threw up for a whole night. Ever since I was little, throwing up has deeply scared me when watching others do it. I hadn’t thrown up since I was around five, so after getting sick myself, contamination OCD got thrown into the picture. After I got over my sickness, I was not able to use my own restroom, which I was sick in, and purposely went downstairs to be away from the bathroom. I would wash my hands vigorously every time I got home or touched anything that made me feel slightly dirty. I would wash my hands until they were dry and cracked. I still get the feeling of being contaminated. For instance, while writing this, I am sitting at a table in the library, but it took me five minutes to find a table that looked like it wouldn’t be gross or feel gross while working on it. When I am forced to sit somewhere that makes me feel uncomfortable (like a slightly dirty seat in class), I seriously want to crawl out of my skin and cry. But that would look insane, so I just sit there silently suffering, trying to focus on the lecture while feeling that way is almost impossible for me. The dress I wore on my birthday before I got sick, I refuse to wear it because I think that if I wear the dress again, I will get sick again. Ever since then, I do this with other clothes as well. If something bad happened the day I was wearing a certain outfit, I will not wear it, and I will even avoid touching it.
Recently, I even sent myself to the ER by thinking I ate something I was allergic to, but I did not give myself a panic attack, feeling like my throat was closing because I was panicking so badly. The fear of being sick or getting ill is consuming me. I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t have a “what if” about a health symptom or a “what if” about how I can get sick. I google so many health symptoms, which makes my fear worse because the top result is usually that I have cancer or that I am having a heart attack. My anxiety makes all these symptoms worse, and I do logically know that, but the voice takes over any sense of reality.Â
I started up therapy again due to all of these uprising symptoms over the past few years and have learned to my surprise that the most effective therapy for OCD is ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy. This basically means making you sit through your thoughts without acting out your compulsions, and making you face your fears (literally). My journey is starting off slowly with this therapy, but I am beyond grateful to have access to help. It will be a hard journey as well to get back to a normal spot, but even writing this and saying all these thoughts out loud is a huge step against my OCD, against that evil voice.Â
What I hope you have gained from this is that OCD is not a quirky thing that is just being organized and liking things lined up. It is also life-altering and one of the most consuming mental health disorders. If you are struggling with OCD yourself and feel ashamed of it, you are not alone, and while cliché, you are real and authentic, and the voice in your head does not represent you or your actions.
Mental Health Sources:
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741Â
Suicide hotline: call or text 988Â