There are days where I feel I am not cut out to be a Spanish minor. Especially here at Kenyon College.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling this doubt; I think it’s something that comes with the experience of being a student. Doubting yourself is one of the worst feelings in the world. Almost every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I walk into my Spanish class with a foolish smile on my face and I begin to feel small.
Now that’s not a feeling I am used to having. I’m a female political science major… I am used to using my voice and speaking up even when I feel nervous. The political science department is good for that: you’ll get shot down, but they won’t think of it that way. They want you to have the richest understanding possible, and I will always appreciate that.
But stepping into my Spanish classes, I feel the wind get knocked out of me. Suddenly, I’m scrounging around for the best elementary phrase and messing up constantly. It’s uncomfortable to go from a class where you can wax poetic about American Politics, and then suddenly go to a class where you’re confined to speaking in harsh and choppy sentences.
To go from a college level understanding of a concept to an elementary school understanding feels like a blow to the chest.
But, recently, I’ve been trying to think of it differently.
Every time I call my mom, I always end up with some sort of negative emotion towards Spanish. And because my mom supports me no matter what, she always asks “Do you still want to do this?”
I always laugh and say “Of course I still want to do it.”
I want to do things that challenge me. For a really long time, I was stuck in a cycle of being afraid of things that challenged me. I would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to do hard things. But being in a 300 level Spanish class has shown me that you have to show up. There is no escaping that fear.
What I guess I’m attempting to say here is that you should always continue doing the hard thing. No matter your emotion, the day, the work, or the time you have to put into it, keep doing it.
And who knows, maybe that hard thing will be something you really like, even though you might be horrible at first. But all that matters is that you keep showing up, keep doing the work, and keep up the courage to try and try again.
