Edited by: Panya Lakhani
Like most girls aged 9–14, I did not like being a girl.
Not in some super dramatic way or anything. I just really did not like a lot of the things that seemed to come with being a girl at that age. I hated wearing dresses and avoided anything that could be perceived as too “girly.” I didn’t understand why anyone cared so much about makeup, clothes, or looking pretty. I thought I was so much better than everyone else for not caring about things that seemed “shallow.”
For a long time, I thought it was just my personality. That I wasn’t like the other girls and that I could never grow up to be some stereotypical teenage girl. But looking back as I enter my 20s, I think some of it came from growing up and realizing how differently girls are treated once they hit puberty.
When I was younger, being a girl was simple. You never had to live in constant relation to anyone or anything. You were a kid before you were a girl (or at least in your own head). Then puberty happened, boys started noticing girls differently, and suddenly you became much more aware of yourself and how others saw you. Being around boys in a way they didn’t immediately understand was degrading at times. There was a constant feeling of being watched, judged, and perceived through your appearance. In middle school I can remember associating “coolness” with being “boy-like” and not girly.
So, I started distancing myself from it.
I didn’t want to dress in a way that would attract attention. I didn’t want to look “too girly.” I definitely didn’t want to be the girl who cared a lot about how she looked. I think part of me believed that if I made it obvious that I wasn’t interested in those things, people would have to take me seriously for other reasons.
And there is a bigger issue behind that. Girls are constantly taught that femininity is something to be judged. You’re supposed to look feminine but not like all the other girls; otherwise, you’d be trying too hard.
It’s not surprising that femininity and the way it is perceived became something I rejected altogether.
I also think this is where the whole “I’m not like other girls” thing comes from. When you’re growing up, being different from other girls can feel like a compliment. You are the girl who doesn’t care about makeup, doesn’t like dresses, doesn’t get along with girls, doesn’t cause drama, and would rather be different from stereotypes.
I began to fall into that mindset. But the funny thing is that by the time I was around 15, I started to realize that I liked being around girls more than I liked trying to impress boys. Not in a romantic way. I mean, I started realizing how much more I valued relationships with girls. And honestly, what benefit does having a man around bring?
The realization that male approval did not need to be the deciding factor in how I dress, act, or see myself was like gaining a whole new way to live.
I also started noticing how much girls do for each other. The unity of women in my life through sacrifice is what made me truly see my friendships differently. The number of times I’ve been given the last pad from someone’s purse, the scrunchie off of their head, or a tissue when it most mattered. I started to see these actions in my life and realized that this small connection with all women made life so much more special.
Growing up with sisters contributed to this, but so did my friendships. Girls are the people you can spend hours beating a dead horse with, complain to about men, facetime to share hauls, celebrate the little things with, or call when something happens and you need someone who already understands.
And those relationships become even more important as you get older. The girls in your life are often the ones who understand experiences that men simply cannot relate to in the same way. They know what it is like to grow up being told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and be careful about how you are perceived.
I think I had spent so much time trying to separate myself from other girls that I didn’t realize how much I was missing by doing that.
Eventually, I stopped automatically rejecting things just because they were feminine. I started wearing things because I liked them instead of worrying about whether they made me look too girly. I became more comfortable with makeup and fashion. I started appreciating the parts of femininity that I had spent years making fun of or avoiding.
I can like dresses and pink and still be taken seriously. I can care about how I look without it degrading me. I can enjoy romance without making it my entire personality. I can be feminine without performing femininity for men. More importantly, I can actually enjoy being around other women without feeling like I must prove something by being different from them.
I think that is what I was missing when I was younger. Femininity was never really the problem. The problem was being taught that femininity made you less intelligent, less interesting, or less worthy of being taken seriously.
Now, I still walk into a room, and the first thing I can be judged for is what I wear. I am still taught that dressing cute will make me seem less professional. It takes a lot of unlearning to realize that someone judging my intelligence or professionalism based on my appearance probably isn’t someone whose opinion I need to care about.
There’s a lot of anxiety and embarrassment that comes with being a girl and being 13. But to be honest, there is nothing more powerful than being a woman. And the true joy of celebrating that comes from all the women around me.