It’s finally getting colder outside, the leaves are falling, and it is the perfect excuse to watch (in my opinion) one of the best rom-coms ever made: When Harry Met Sally…
When Harry Met Sally… is a 1989 romantic comedy directed by the late Rob Reiner and written by screenwriter Nora Ephron. Reiner is my very favorite director because of his knack for developing deep, emotional characters and beautiful world-building; When Harry Met Sally… is no exception.
The story follows two college graduates, Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) and Sally Albright (Meg Ryan), and their friendship over the span of 12 years. In just 95 minutes, both Harry and Sally can give us so much insight into love, life, and the passage of time. Here are some of the things I learned from my recent fall rewatch.
WARNING: Even though I think the title of the movie is pretty on the nose, there will be spoilers. If you haven’t seen the movie, please do yourself a great favor and watch it! I promise you will enjoy it, and if you don’t, read this article and then maybe you will change your mind. If you still don’t, it’s okay, I guess…
1. Can men and women really be friends?
“What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” – Harry
The age-old question this movie asks is whether men and women can really be friends. My short answer is yes, of course, because even a desire for intimacy doesn’t make friendship any less – or does it? Society’s favorite trope is friends to lovers, and it is what most single people are looking for. They want someone they can be friends with first. It is in everything we do, every show we watch, every movie, every book, even the people around us; we want a friend.
I agree with Harry – female and male friendships can be challenging because of this. When we watch a show about two best friends, we can’t help but wish for them to end up together because the reality is, we all want to date our best friend. When Harry Met Sally… shows us that friendship always makes for the best relationships because they’re built on understanding the other person, loving them for their quirks, and being able to talk to them about anything.
However, it is hard to agree with the idea that men and women are not able to be friends. I am not an expert in this topic by any means; if anything, I often need to start taking my own advice. But I think that men and women can be friends if communication is clear. Although easier said than done, I think if both friends can communicate their feelings throughout their relationship, then friendship is possible. And you know what? I am a sucker for friends to lovers, so at the end of the day, if a friendship results in a beautiful relationship, is that really a loss?
2. Love, Hate, and Growth
“You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you!” – Sally
In my rewatch of this movie, I realized how much growth both characters go through before they get their happy ending. When we meet Harry at the beginning of the movie, he’s very arrogant, has a horrible way of talking about women, and ultimately, seems very immature. However, we see throughout the movie and through his friendship with Sally, that he’s able to grow into someone fully capable of telling Sally how he really feels about her. Additionally, Sally can fully express herself and let her emotions out while talking to Harry about her ex-boyfriend getting married, a feeling she suppressed or often acted cool about. I think that showing these characters growing explains why it takes them the span of 12 years to get together. When they first met each other, their relationship would likely not have worked out due to these immature behaviors or lack of growth. Through their relationships, they’re able to learn and grow into being a partner that the other enjoys.
There is an interesting theme of love and hate throughout the movie, and I think Sally’s quote really speaks volumes about that. She is angry at Harry on New Year’s because of his lack of communication after their night together, but in that moment Harry realized that no matter what he said to Sally on the phone, he had to show up for her with his actions. I think that’s a really valuable lesson you can learn from this movie.
I love that these characters, at moments, can be so annoying; you just want to yell at them for not telling the other how they feel. These characters making mistakes is very human and something we all face. I think it’s really interesting to look at this movie and to realize that, being in your twenties, you will make mistakes. You most likely won’t marry your partner, or maybe you will, but the importance is growing together. Understanding how to be there for someone, putting in the work to be a better partner, and learning how to communicate how you feel is hard. It’s so easy to hate; it’s so easy to give up, to be upset with that person. But if you truly love someone, you have to not only tell them, but run to them on New Year’s.
3. There will be a Helen
Sally: “You know what I miss? I miss the idea of him.”
Harry: “Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen… No, I miss the whole Helen.”
To quote Olivia Dean, which I always do, “love’s never wasted when it’s shared,” and I really think this movie proves it. Throughout the movie, you see both characters with other partners. It shows that each partner teaches them a valuable lesson to bring them to each other. It’s hard to be heartbroken; it’s hard to think about what another partner could look like, but this movie reminds us that each step is important to finding that happy ending.
One aspect of this movie that I love is the interviews with couples between scenes of the movie. Before I re-watched this movie, I was scared I was going to feel very emotional and lonely, which I often do after watching amazing rom-coms. But I honestly found peace in this movie. It helped me understand that maybe all the heartbreak I have felt, feel, or will feel in the future helps me grow into the person that will someday be loved.
I think it is a good reminder, whether you are watching this movie single, in a relationship, or in something complicated, that sometimes a positive mindset is the only one to have. It will work out. You will find someone special. Each couple interview in the movie reminds us of this. Maybe it will be your high school sweetheart or much, much later in your life, but I think it is important to remind yourself that love will happen for you no matter how long we wait. Call me an extreme optimist, but it’s just the Harry and Sally season, and love is all around.
4. Wanting the Rest of Your Life to Start as Soon as Possible
“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” – Harry
Ahh, the best ending to a movie ever, ever, ever. From the start of “It Had to Be You,” to Harry running to Sally, to his declaration of love, there’s so much beauty in that sequence. But, the things that stand out the most are the words.
This movie can capture raw, real love. From singing Oklahoma! in a store, to walking in Central Park and ignoring all the fall foliage just because you’re with someone you love, and that’s all that matters. The movie makes me feel like I’m dreaming. A dream of falling in love with my best friend in a big city. A dream of being able to afford a beautiful New York City apartment from working as a journalist. A dream of being able to have Meg Ryan’s hair and her whole wardrobe from the movie. A dream of having someone love me when I get cold when it is 71 degrees outside. And finally, a dream of it working out in the end, which it does.
That’s what a good rom-com does right? It allows us to romanticize our lives, live an autumn of love, and find ourselves. And if it doesn’t work out, it will all be okay, because someday, someone will sing “Call Me” to your voicemail to get you to answer the phone.